5 Steps to LA Coffeehouse Hook-Up Success

Why don't more people hook up in Los Angeles coffeehouses? Short answer: because they're sober. While the coffeehouse has definitely replaced the home office for local freelancers, it still hasn't replaced the bar. But that doesn't explain the abysmal rate of successful casual encounters, given all the cute and obviously bored people milling around the average Peet's. While the library-like atmosphere at many places makes it hard to mingle, research reveals much of the blame falls on the customers themselves. Follow these five easy steps to avoid the most common LA coffeehouse blunders of the chronically unlaid.

Order Simply, Tip Generously
Many a weird drink order has killed off a promising hook-up; would James Bond order a double shot, extra-hot, two Sweet and Lows, white mocha, extra whip cream? It's doubtful. The original sin is then compounded by skimping on the tip jar. Dude, you think women aren't watching and noting the clink of every single coin? Besides, what are you saving that 27 cents for anyway? The laundromat?

Try an Expression Besides the Permanent Leer
Every coffeehouse seems to attract Untouchables -- those weathered, old-ish guys who sit facing the door, creepily eyeing all approaching women. Like grim pieces of installation art, ladies always give them a wide, wide berth. Avoid falling into this caste by bringing something to do while swigging your coffee. Even reading the LA Weekly is better than just sitting there.

Avoid Reeking of Joblessness
Even if you're "between projects," at least fake like you've got somewhere to go later; too many people appear to live at the coffeehouse. Routinely check your phone/blackberry or your watch so you don't miss that "meeting" (a.k.a. 3 p.m. episode of Golden Girls). You want to appear like a (pre-strike) TV writer or producer, taking a break from the tedium of his/her expensive beach house. This illusion can be created using a variety of props, the most important being a cutting-edge laptop. Of course, you'll probably need to borrow one, since your 2001 Toshiba isn't gonna cut it. If you must work with a pen and paper, at least use a design-studio notebook; scribbling on a legal pad makes you look like the Unabomber writing his next manifesto.

Frequently Hit the Milk Station and/or Step Outside to Smoke
Even if you drink your coffee black, avoiding the milk station substantially lowers your chances for meeting someone. Since the milk station is community property, you can safely linger here without looking like a stalker; many a Craigslist missed connection wistfully mentions the low-fat thermos. Going outside to smoke or to check your messages gives a secret admirer a reason to suddenly do the same.

Park Your Shitty Car Out of View
Your rusted-out '93 Corolla is the ultimate dealbreaker; avoid this danger by parking on the next block and claiming you walked. Otherwise, once you successfully make a connection, that pivotal stroll to the parking lot could be the last time you ever see him/her again.