18 Steps to Having a Good First Trip to New York

When it comes to giving out advice on having a good time in New York, it's hard to tell New Yorkers anything they don't already know, even if they don't already know it -- so bear with me, fellow citizens. As for the rest of you, I'd like to share a few random morsels gleaned from 15 years of living in "the city." Your standard NYC guidebook will have the basics on hotels and tourist attractions, but since the joy is in the little details, here are a few things I wish I'd known before I got here. Please share your own pearls of wisdom in the comments.

1. Don't Just Stand There, Ask for Directions.
When I see tourists looking lost or confused, I have the urge to come to their aid and set them on the right path. It's as though it hurts me personally if they have a bad New York experience. Almost every New Yorker is happy to help tourists with directions and show off their city knowledge, even if it means consulting with other New Yorkers and making up stuff.

2. Fear Not the Subway.
Everybody complains about the subway, but it really works well overall, and you should use it with alacrity. On crowded trains, remove your big-ass backpack and hold it to your side. Learn the difference between local and express trains, and beware the empty subway car on an otherwise crowded train -- it's empty for a (smelly) reason.

3. Wear Black.
If you're looking to blend in, just wear black. That's it. Oh, and for the love of God, ditch the fanny pack, sports jersey, shorts, Tevas, and Greek-letter sweatshirt, but you knew that already.

4. Just Pick One or Two Tourist Places.
It's OK to skip the main tourist stuff unless there's something you're really jonesing to see. The Statue of Liberty isn't going anywhere, and the Metropolitan Museum of Art is of course wonderful, though a bit overwhelming. If you've got to hit a museum, try a bite-sized offering like the Lower East Side Tenement Museum, International Center of Photography, or a funky outer-borough offering like the Noguchi Museum.

5. In Manhattan, There is No Such Thing as North or South.
It's called Uptown and Downtown. There is, however, east and west. There is a Lower East Side, but there is no Lower West Side.

6. There is Nothing in the World Slower than a Cross-Town Bus.
But otherwise I kind of like buses. You get to see where you're going. Certain bus lines are like city tours for $2.

7. Get the Hell out of Midtown.
Your hotel might be in Midtown, and that's fine, but otherwise it's a lousy place to hang out. If you're looking for a good party, stay below 14th Street on the east side and 23rd Street on the west side. If you just want to wander aimlessly and absorb the New Yorkiness -- and that's a fine thing to do -- head to the East and West Village, Chelsea, and Harlem. SoHo is nice too, and has many pretty people.

8. Be Cool With the Gawking.
People-watching is fine, but try not to gawk blatantly. It's hard, I know. There are some amazingly interesting-looking people, and more than a few downright hotties and celebrities.

9. Identify and Avoid Freaks.
You need to identify winos and general crazies and shut down their game before they zero in on you. The guy wearing garbage bags on the F train is easy enough to spot, but for the more subtle freaks, try to read the body language for that unique vagrant posture. Hand over some spare change if you like, or don't, but either way, keep your mouth shut. The same rules apply to buskers, especially those bucket drummers who always seem to show up when you've got a hangover.

10. Make the Chain Stores Work for You.
The franchises have moved in, and that's OK. They all have restrooms and comfy chairs you can take advantage of, but buy your coffee at a bodega and your books at the Strand.

11. What's a Bodega?
An endangered species, for one thing, being phased out of existence by yuppie groceries stocked with Veggie Booty and Vitamin Water. But if you do find one of these old-school corner stores, pop in for a "regular" coffee in the blue-and-white Greek-styled cup, and maybe some smokes and a lottery ticket.

12. Respect the Flow.
Never stop in the middle of the sidewalk, on the top of the subway stairs, or anywhere you might impede the flow of pedestrian traffic. I agree, sometimes it's ridiculous -- God forbid you pause for half a second to get your bearings -- but rules are rules. You need to step out of the way. And as for linking arms and ambling down the sidewalk four abreast, please don't.

13. Have a Bagel.
Start your day like a New Yorker and get yourself a bagel with your choice of topping. Authentic bagel shops come in many forms, but the bagel etiquette is always the same. You don't ask "what's fresh?" but rather, "What's hot?" An onion bagel, right out of the oven, adorned with a schmear of lox spread is a heavenly brekkie in my book.

14. As Far As Restaurants Are Concerned ...
Just know that you will always pay a premium both in check and wait time at the sceney, of-the-moment places, while hundreds of excellent, fun, and affordable restaurants have a great table waiting for you at the moment you walk in the door. The odds favor success, as consistently terrible restaurants usually don't stay in business long. If all else fails, hit a diner.

15. Oversized "Golf" Umbrellas Have No Place on Manhattan Sidewalks.
All right, this is a personal pet peeve, but people who use oversized umbrellas on crowded Manhattan sidewalks deserve every dirty look they get. Sidewalk umbrella vendors hawking small black umbrellas for $5 or so appear out of nowhere whenever it starts raining.

16. Broadway Is Fine, But Off-Broadway Is Easier, Cheaper, and Often Better.
If you want to see a show, consider choosing something from an emerging playwright at an off-Broadway theater as opposed to fighting the throngs and paying through the nose for a ticket to Les Miserables. See what's playing at the Cherry Lane Theater, Minetta Lane Theater, Public Theater, or others like them.

17. Don't Linger Too Long at Any One Bar
New York is a paradise for pub-lovers, and you'll exhaust your liver and wallet long before your venue options run out. Pick a bar-heavy neighborhood like the East Village and try to hit as many as you can. If it's not happy hour, expect to pay $5 to $7 for a beer and a little more for wine and cocktails, while high-end cocktail joints will charge you $15 for a martini without blinking an eye. As for glitzy, velvet-rope nightclubs, don't even bother if you don't have $300 to blow on bottle service, plus a serious attitude.

18. Brooklyn Rules.
If you've got the time, you'll get extra cool points for spending some time in Brooklyn. Bum around the Brooklyn Academy of Music and Prospect Park, or take the L train to Williamsburg for a day of art galleries, restaurants, and bohemian bars. If it's Friday night, swing by the Brooklyn Brewery for tap room hours. You'll like it.

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