The Russian Debutante's Guide to Berlin

One undeniable benefit of living in Berlin is the immediate access that someone of absolutely no consequence (read: me) has to people of incredibly staggering brilliance. From a distance, the cultural landscape of this city appears vast, like some urban frontier yet to be settled. But when you're here, you realize immediately that the creative community colonizing Berlin is, in fact, tiny, even incestuous (especially for foreigners). So, what happens is that people like me end up hanging out with people like Gary Shteyngart, the novelist whose debut, The Russian Debutante's Handbook, earned so many accolades that his awards CV is longer than my actual CV (just to put it in perspective). Gary was a fellow here last year at the American Academy, during which time he did some writing for an upcoming novel, gave some readings from his last book Absurdistan, and more or less just ran amok all over town, screaming in Russian or initialisms (WTF) depending on the evening's activities (read: alcohol).

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He was (and still is, I'm sure) a guaranteed good time at any party, the kind of person you're genuinely glad to run into, over and over and over again. But now he's gone back to New York, swallowed by hoards of respected professional peers, tenured professors, and the curdled cream of NYC's literary crop.

Because I know Gary, I know he'll be back. But, because I know Gary, I also know it's important to document his time here, since it's already beginning to erode in his memory, chased out by the onslaught of information that assaults even the most average New Yorker, let alone a Russian novelist with a penchant for drunken revelry. So, in celebration of Gary's year in Berlin, here's a short Q&A of his favorite locales to help us all remember a better time, a simpler time, a time when you knew Gary was bound to pay for the taxi. And, as confirmed by Gary's answer to question #10, it comes not a moment too soon.

1. Döner Stand
"The döner stand at the Wannsee train station. Not only is this the suburb where the final solution was signed, but the owner kept mistaking me for Woody Allen's brother. And then he asked me why I hadn't won a Pulitzer yet. Thanks, jerk."

2. Sin-Den/ Techno Club
"Berghain. You're still the one, baby."

3. Bourgeois Watering Hole
"The green room or green door or green something in Schöneberg. I'm usually too drunk to remember the name by the time I stumble out. Ooh, those martinis."

4. Place to Get Hit on by Girls/Prostitutes/Literary Synchophants/etc." (assuming there's a difference...or none at all)
"Hackescher Markt. Some of those streetwalkers near Hackescher Markt know a good deal about Moldovan literature."

5. S.M.P.O.N.R (Straight Man Point of No Return)
"Shantal's House of Shame. They ripped me a new one."

6. Place Where You Expect Someone to Put A Cigarette Out in Your Eye
"'West Germany"'on Kottbusser. Some young woman gleefully twisted my nipple and then passed out in the john."

7. Place Where You Want to Put Your Cigarette Out in Someone Else's Eye
"See #6 above. The nipple still smarts."

8. Most Romantic Spot for Soviet "Ostalgie"
"Try Pasternak, the Russian place by the water tower. All that Prenzlauer baby-making will get your date HOT."

9. Most Intense Spot for Historical Confrontation
"Mmmm...Holocaust memorials. They're all over the place. Or just look up and watch the menacing winter clouds roll towards Poland."

10. Berlin Locale that Makes You Shed a Tear in Loving Memory and Pour Some Jägermeister Out onto the Floor of Your Ivory Tower
"I'll be perfectly honest: I can't remember a DAMN thing."