17 Grad-level Tips for NYC Subway Smoothness

The subway isn't just a part of New York's public transit system, the subway is New York itself. And while it has its problems, the 700-mile network of underground trains works remarkably well, making it both a great way to get around the city on the cheap and an attraction in its own right (though nowhere you'd want to linger longer than necessary). I've ridden the subway pretty much every day for as long as I've lived in the city, at all hours and in varying states of alertness, and only rarely encountered problems or major delays. In that time, I've learned a few things about how to make the ride as smooth as possible. I'm sure you've got the basics down, so here are seventeen graduate-level tips on how to make the subway work for you. Add your own in the comments.

1. The Unlimited-Ride MetroCard is the Way to Go
Unless you're really not going to be moving around the city much, buy a one-day Fun Pass (good for partiers, as it is valid until 3:00 a.m.), or a seven-day unlimited MetroCard. The beauty of the subway is, once you're in the system, you can go as far as you want. There are no fare zones to worry about. Just go.

2. Swipe Fast, Not Slow
If you keep getting a "swipe again" message at the turnstile, you're probably swiping your card too slowly. The secret it to swipe it fast. Remember, everything in New York happens fast. MetroCard swiping is no different.

3. Keep Your Train Door Options Open
Stand a few paces back as the train enters the station. This isn't just for your personal safety, but also so you'll have a wider choice of train doors to choose from. Instead of immediately committing to enter the train through the nearest door, you can take your pick of several based on which one has the most people exiting. I don't know why people commit to one door, no matter how crowded the car is. As the conductor says, "please use all available doors."

4. Memorize a Few Terms
It's essential that you know the difference between uptown and downtown, local and express. Don't hesitate to ask people for help. You could fumble with your subway map for ten minutes, or have someone point you to the right train in ten seconds.

5. Stand Away from the Platform Edge
It's every New Yorker's nightmare to fall or get pushed onto the tracks in front of an oncoming train, and sadly, it's a nightmare that occasionally comes true. Yes, there are some dipshits who "hang ten" over the platform edge and crane their necks to see if a train is coming around the bend. Don't be one of them. Hang out near the center of the platform, and hone your weirdo radar. Give 'em a wide berth.

6. Hold On If You Must, But ...
Just assume that every exposed surface in the train is covered with flesh-eating bacteria. Hold on to the poles or handrails if you must, but make a beeline to the restroom when you get to your destination and wash your hands vigorously. Try not to touch your face in the interim.

7. If You Can't Get A Seat ...
Standing by the door is the next best thing. Just remember, if you want to be "door guy," you should allow other passengers to board ahead of you and get on last. And be sure to stand aside as people enter and exit at subsequent stops. It's obnoxious not to.

8. Watch Your Stuff
Naturally, you'll keep purses zipped, wallets secure, etc., but pay special attention to your iPod. It's one of the most commonly swiped things on the subway (I myself have witnessed a subway iPod theft), especially since using it makes you oblivious to what's happening around you. The moment of maximum peril is immediately after the doors open. That's when some little punk will grab your shit and make a break for it. Be aware.

9. Watch Yourself
Muggings on the subway are rare. It's only happened to one person I know, and that was late at night, on the last car of a mostly-empty train, in the tunnel between Manhattan and Brooklyn, and my friend was drunk. Also, the cops caught the dudes who did it, because they were dumb enough to do it again the same night. If it's late and you're a little nervous, ride in the car that the conductor's in, which is usually in the middle. Generally, however, you have very little to worry about if you keep to yourself and act bored.

10. Don't Be Intimidated by Panhandlers
All kinds of skells will shuffle through the train with hard-luck stories, asking for help. "Hello, my name is Rafael Santiago. My friends call me Raffy. At this moment in time I am homeless." If you really want to help, you'll give to a legitimate charity, rather than encourage further panhandling. Some of these people, such as Raffy, are quite aggressive and know how to make you just uncomfortable enough to reach for some change. Whether or not you give money, stay quiet and keep your head down. Of course it's a nice thing to reach out to those less fortunate, but it's easy to get in over your head.

11. Most Buskers are Essentially Panhandlers with Instruments, but Some Are Genuinely Talented Musicians
Here are the buskers I like: Key Appleseeds, Shakerleg, the black guy who sings Beatles songs in the 14th Street tunnel between Sixth and Seventh Avenues, the mini-big band with the tuba player, the Mexican troubador who sings Besame Mucho. Here are the buskers I hate: any drummer who is not Shakerleg, the weird pan flute guy at Union Square, the blind "Lean On Me" guy. The Union Square station is probably the best station for live music, except for the frickin' bucket drummers.

12. Don't Hold the Subway Doors
Yes, the conductor will slam the doors in your face even if you just made a spectacular run down the stairs to make the train. It will hurt your feelings. Just take a deep breath and let it go. Much like the pain of childbirth, the pain of just missing a train goes away quickly. If you absolutely must hold the door, like, say, it's 2:00 a.m., and there won't be another train for 20 minutes, and your girlfriend just refuses to pick up the pace even a little bit, then hold it by putting your foot right at the bottom edge of the open door, where it forms a right angle with the floor. It's the most secure way to do it, and it looks less conspicuous. But really, don't. People will want to kick your ass.

13. Do Not Get Involved
Like I said, the subway is New York, and all kinds of crazy things happen down there. People will get into screaming matches with each other, as if they're in their own broken homes. It's like road rage, minus the separation of individual automobiles. I don't care if you have a masters degree in nonviolent conflict resolution, just look at your shoes and shut your yap. If you're uncomfortable, move to a different car at the next station.

14. Is That Guy Doing What I Think He's Doing? No, He Couldn't Be ...
It doesn't happen as much as you think, but there are some sickos out there. If it looks like the dude in the corner of the train car is jerking off, the dude in the corner of the train car is jerking off. In my 14 years of taking the subway every day, I've seen it twice, and heard several stories from others. Again, steer clear of such violators (duh), but rest assured that there are lots of undercover cops on the trains to deal with that kind of thing. And worse.

15. Apparently, You're Allowed to Smoke Cigarettes on the G Train
I don't know why, but so often when I take the G, there's a dude lying down across the seats puffing away. This is probably because the G is the most neglected train line. It's like a rolling Dumpster.

16. The Color of the Subway Globe Really Doesn't Matter Any More
There was a time when a green globe at the subway entrance meant it had a 24-hour token booth, and a red globe meant the entrance had restricted hours. Nowadays, if you have a MetroCard, you can pretty much use any subway entrance you want.

17. Where The Party At?
If you don't know where you're going and are just looking for a good subway stop to get out at and wander around, I have a few recommendations. Union Square is the gateway to the downtown party scene, but you'd do well to get out at 8th Street or Astor Place for an East Village pub crawl, and West 4th Street or Christopher Street to check out the best of the West Village. The Second Avenue stop on the F and V line is in the thick of the boozy action, as is the Bedford Avenue stop in Brooklyn on the L line. As I mentioned in my Tourist Tips post, the real party is downtown, because midtown blows. Bedford Ave probably has the highest proportion of hotties as well, followed by Prince and Spring Streets in SoHo, but they're hotties of a snobbier sort.