How to Survive in LA with a Crappy Car

In LA, the car is the most visible status symbol around, routinely used to calculate a person's net worth down to the nearest penny, not to mention provide a window into his or her very soul. So for those people who drive less-than-impressive cars (i.e. pre-millennium, with rust), life in this city is one long humiliation: mocked by valets in six languages, jeered by onlookers when you stall in the intersection, rejected by potential love interests when you pull up in their driveway, and abandoned by mechanics after another failed smog test. So what's the owner of a crappy car to do? Here are a few ways to make life bearable until you finally qualify for that 72-month lease:

Psyche Yourself Out
Convince yourself -- and others -- that you drive that 1987 BMW by choice. Insist that it's "vintage" or "has character" or is destined to be a classic. Drone on and on about its superior engine or unique design and outline all your (fraudulent) plans to restore it. Sooner or later you'll persuade your friends that your car is an investment (or at least shut them up). But this only works with cars from Europe (or a real classic, like a Mustang). No one believes a '87 Corolla will ever be more than a home for feral cats.

Fake Being Green
Never mind that you unhooked your catalytic converter on Day One; when it comes to transportation, you are a serious environmentalist. So when caught riding the bus, earnestly explain your preference for public transportation is based on principle, not poverty. Threaten to read aloud from some Greenpeace literature "if they'd like to learn more," and watch how quickly the conversation changes to the Lakers. In 2008, no one is allowed to question anyone's environmental motives (out loud, anyway), and your courageous stance may even get you some action with an easily impressed Greenette.

Find Secret Parking Spots
The valet is the natural enemy of the crappy car owner, so avoid valet parking at all costs, no matter how convenient. If you want to meet your friends at restaurants on busy streets, you'll need to scout out lots of secret places to park. This means routinely checking side streets in Hollywood and off Sunset for "permit-free" zones where you can stash your Corolla in the shadows, casually strolling into the bar as though you just walked 100 yards from your apartment.

Disguise Your Car as a Rental
No one is held accountable for an embarrassing rental car, since agencies are always switching inferior brands on you at the last minute. Disguise your heap as an Avis or Hertz loaner by placing a large (fake) AVIS sticker on the bumper or window. When the valet drops it off, just smile and shake your head, while ostentatiously waving around your extra-large Avis key ring, saying in an unnaturally loud voice "I know, I know, but it's all they had left."