12 Airline Extras Worth Paying For

So JetBlue has announced they'll start charging extra for four more inches of legroom -- $10 to $20 more (depending on length of flight) for rows 2-5 and exit rows 10-11. But why stop there? "Even More Legroom" is nice, but now that airlines are breaking free of their decades-long insistence on fascist conformity, I suggest an entire suite of value-addeds to help defray spiraling costs. If I can choose from an a la carte menu of extra services and bennies to customize my flight experience, I'll be a much happier though poorer consumer. For example!

1. Departure & Arrival Betting Pools. Since departure and arrival times are guestimates at best, why not make your outrageous delays a figure of fun? Wager frequent-flyer miles on a range of bets related to the accuracy of projected schedules. Can you accurately call the airline's spread between arrival and departure? No fair disrupting service with bomb threats.

2. Walk-Through X-Rays. The chief bottleneck at security checkpoints is stuffing your bags in the X-ray and partially disrobing to the extent required so you may pass through a metal detector. To hell with that. Tommy Lee proved there's no harm in passing directly through a luggage x-ray yourself, so let's dispense with the metal detectors and just walk through a giant X-ray gate. A potentially lethal radiation bath is a small price to pay for a few minutes saved.

3. Even More Arm Room. More leg room is fine, but as a broad-shouldered individual, it can be just as uncomfortable to find myself seated next to someone of similar width (or a fatty). I'd shell out a few bucks for a seat set further from my neighbor to left and/or right, especially if it allows me unhindered access to the armrests.

4. Quiet Zones. Even Amtrak has quiet cars, for God's sake. Of course you'll still be able to hear loud-talkers elsewhere in the plane, but if I could have two rows of quiet in any direction, I'd consider that money well spent.

5. Adults Only. I believe in perpetuating the species, but babies are not generally suited to this mode of transport. If they can't be checked at the airport, at least the babies can be confined to a larval ghetto somewhere else on the plane. Perhaps the overhead bins. Keep them at a safe distance, and I'll buy the up-sell.

6. Giant Pillows. In addition to broad shoulders, I also have a freakishly large head. Airplane pillows are about as effective as a half-empty pack of cigarettes when it comes to propping up my dome. Give me a giant overstuffed king-size pillow, and I'll fork over five bucks.

7. Attractive Passengers. This could be a self-corrupting system, since rich ugly people would naturally pay to get into the hot section. But let's make it a sliding scale based on overall attractiveness and relative income. That way, only really rich ugly people get to hang out with really hot less-rich people, which also happens to be how the real world operates.

8. Flirtatious Flight Attendants. Look, we know this affair is going nowhere. But if the rare airborne cutie wants to bat her eyes at me and look impressed by the book I'm reading or fake interest in the line of plumbing supplies I'll be representing at an industry conference in Dubuque, then: sold.

9. Narcotics. Cruise ships ramp up their casinos as soon as they hit international waters, so why can't planes be free of pesky drug regulations once they gain altitude and latitude? Bring out the tray of pharmaceuticals and let the passengers endure the trans-Pacific flight in a drug-addled haze. Probably best to stick with downers. LSD has no place in coach.

10. Guest Posting to TSA Blog. A lottery determines a free guest post to the TSA blog for one random passenger on every flight. Could be a mix of consumer bitchery or sexual "missed connections" that could be consummated before the flight's end, perhaps in a discreet corner near the rearward restrooms.

11. IM the Pilot. Really, after he punches in the flightplan and navpoints, what's that guy got to do for a few hours? Ping him a question about the weather, find out who's single in the flight crew, or send the classic "DONT CRASH U R GAY LOLZ".

12. Express Check-Out. No, not suicide. So much emphasis is placed on the front end of the airport process -- from express security lanes to enduring delays -- that no one complains about the mass abuses we all suffer upon leaving. Escort me off the plane first, regardless of seating row. Give me my checked baggage first, or better yet, have it waiting at the arrival gate. Just let me out of this torment, pronto, and I'll press a sweaty bill or three into any grasping hand on my grateful way out.