Gridskipper

Last month, everyone's favorite government organization/blogger, the TSA, began to organize a small portion of itself along ski-hill technology. At the Salt Lake City and Denver airports, passengers are asked to "self-select" into three groups based on their knowledge of security procedures — and ski hill nomenclature. Because the westerners were so good at this special form of self-knowledge, the TSA plans on expanding the trials to Boston, Orlando, and Spokane. But when it comes time to segregating yourself, will you know where to stand, or will you have to just get right back on that lift and go back to your squalid split-level in defeat? Some sorting tips after the jump.

Number one TSA-crush is the "black diamond," the elite Expert Traveler who knows what she must do and, even better, what you're doing wrong. As you can see by the arms akimbo stance, this middle manager from Dallas is thisclose to calling the TSA herself about the mouthbreather who's taking too long to get those ugly Wal-Mart shoes off his bulbous feet. She's always on the run and has only a slim carry-on containing some soiled but pricey lingerie, last month's Economist, and a laptop (she's getting it out already!). For the good of everyone, she gets her own line.

Next we come to the Casual Travelers, the blue squares, and are they ever. As you can see, this may be a "son of the soil" hick or perhaps an out-of-date, obese hipster with trucker hat pathetically still affixed to his head. Either way, he's struggling with his overpacked bag, full of either seed catalogs and trinkets for the folks back home or vintage Elephant 6 vinyl. He's knows what he's doing, or at least thinks he does.

Finally, we have the green circle — of hell. Or perhaps it's just the bunny hill. This line is for families and people who may need — cue menacing music — "Special Assistance." As you can see, this small nuclear family is trudging ahead reasonably well so far, but soon the Ann Taylor-clad mom is going to discover that Maeve has twisted her ankle and lost her Dora the Explorer carry-on. And dad will be even more displeased to learn that his ounce of hydroponic White Rhino wasn't so well hidden after all. And their dog, so carefully crated and just off-camera? He isn't going to be making it with them back to New Canaan, as least for the foreseeable future.