Explaining LA to Midwesterners
Most Los Angeles Introductory Sessions do a good job of explaining our culture (Spanglish, compulsory teeth whitening, Asian tapas) to newly arrived Midwesterners, but there are additional customs and quirks that aren't usually discussed. These can be quite disturbing if the newcomer hasn't been fully prepared. Below are a few of the most confusing:
Being Late is Mandatory: In LA, it's a miracle that any meetings take place at all, given how nobody is willing to be the first one in the room. In other cultures, promptness is appreciated, but here, arriving first is viewed as a sign of desperation, implying the upcoming event is the high point of your entire career. Entertainment industry meetings -- always a zero-sum game -- are even worse. A meeting scheduled for Monday can easily take three additional days to begin, as all parties cancel and re-cancel on each other until someone finally cracks and shows up. This Fear of Firstness extends into the social realm as well, which is why wedding ceremonies take forever to start and no party gets going until 2am.
Public Transportation Does Not Exist: Most middle class Angelenos would rather lose their jobs than step foot on the bus, and have convinced themselves those loud MTA behemoths clogging the lanes of major streets actually belong to the post office. This illusion is further encouraged by their employers: if you live more than two miles away from your office, having your car at the mechanic's is considered a valid excuse for not coming to work. For some reason, even the most stringent HR director seems incapable of saying "Your car's in the shop? Then get your ass on the bus."
Men are Health Bores: While the average guy in Milwaukee may have a vague notion that eating fruit is good idea, the average LA guy is a walking -- and, unfortunately, talking -- encyclopedia of health facts. Casually ask him how he's doing, and without warning, he'll launch into a ten-minute diatribe on his latest low-protein, wheat grass, amino acid-enhanced diet, followed by an excruciating replay of his current work-out regime. This trend is even more insidious in West Hollywood, where announcing one's body fat ratio has replaced saying hello.
Freeway Sign Language: Since Angelenos live in their cars, non-verbal communication with other drivers is necessary to survive. Pounding on the horn at the slightest provocation is the most popular form of expression, but a more mellow alternative must be used when seeking the mercy of other drivers. While there are endless variations, the most effective are clasped hands and a begging expression (to change lanes in slow traffic) perky cheerleader waves or salutes (when someone caves and lets you cut in) and a fervent blowing of kisses and tossing of money (when someone lets you cut five lanes to the 405 on-ramp).
