Gridskipper

Ninety-six years ago, the Japanese first lady gave her American counterpart some pretty cherry trees, and the two countries have been trading flowers and bombs of friendship ever since. Washington now welcomes more than one million visitors in a beautiful but crazy two-week period. Tourists come from all over to enjoy the lovely cherry blossoms and celebrate the best of Japanese culture (like pixelated porn and whale in a can). This truly is the best time to visit the capital: spring is in the air, the city looks nice, and grumpy Washingtonians exude about as much cheer as they can muster. The problem is that visitors outnumber the cherry trees 267 to one, so any delicate Shintoist attempts to connect with nature quickly turns into an Osaka traffic jam. Crowds and commercialization suck bad, but don't lose hope. Here's a few inside tips to keep you in the know and above the fray, so that every Cherry Blossom Festival feels like your first. (photo: Brian Gratwicke)

How to Hanami: I love how Japanese has its own unique verb for every gracious action. See the characters? The first one depicts little four-petal flowers floating on the twisted branches of a tree, and the second one is a giant eyeball on two-legs. Hanami is the art of "looking at cherry blossoms" and involves a whole ritual of long thoughtful gazes up through the pink-filtered sunlight, sipping sake on picnic blankets. and probably inventing reflective haiku. In Washington, DC, groups of 25 or more who wish to sit beneath the trees must apply for a special permit, and if you get caught drinking on the mall, you'll get handcuffed and stuffed into the back of a car. Otherwise, feel free to practice hanami the Japanese way: find a tree that's not on the tidal basin (Virginia?), set up camp, and get sloshed.

Hot Air: If you haven't seen the flowers yet, hurry it up folks! Horticulturalist and man-who-speaks-with-cherry-trees Rob DeFeo predicts the blossoms will pique peak on April 3rd, after which they will simply begin to wilt and wither away like Britney Spears without hair extensions. Actually, nobody can predict when a flower will come out, which is why the festival lasts so long and why you shouldn't pay any mind to when the Washington Post orders you to visit the circus on the Mall. Also, nobody noticed this year how a bunch of cherry trees were in full bloom way back in February because global warming is a total myth. Insert lame joke about how eventually the festival will be held just after New Year's, LOL.

Your One Stop Cherry Blo$$om $hop: The National Park Service is totally broke, thanks to Emperor George W's samurai slashing of the Department of the Interior's budget. That was kind of a stupid move because his backyard is the National Mall, which is kind of like a National Park. In order for the NPS to pay their salaries this year, they're doing the whole public-private partnership thing, which means selling us a whole lotta cherry blossom schlock. Like never before, you'll find entire tent cities touting "official" merchandise and concessions. Normally I'd make fun of the lame pink motifs and crappy key chains, but this year there seems to have been a designer involved in the process. Check out this shirt, which is actually wearable. Also, this hand-painted bangle is cute, and Farhney's has released their exclusive cherry blossom fountain pen.

Benefiting from Government Corruption: Getting a spot in the annual 10-mile Cherry Blossom Run is harder than getting tickets to see the Spice Girls. Despite places for 12,000 runners, the race sells out/fills up in just a few hours of online registration. But does it? Rumors abound that a large chunk of spots are held expressly for Hill staffers and that legislative aides and those who love them need not sign up by name. Though transferring is strictly verboten, that rule is overlooked for anybody working on the Hill. If you were one of the thousands that got cut from the race way back in December, never fear. Just know a Hill staffer or act like one (poor but self-important) and you'll get a number pinned on your back, no prob.

Cherry Picking: The key to enjoying the festival is to make strategic choices about when and what you do on the mall, then stay the heck away. If you have to, just watch the flowers online. Unless you've got a six-year-old on stage, skip the ballet recitals and karate demonstrations and any other outdoor presentation that involves a microphone. Instead, focus on weekday events, like the Mikado, the Edo masters' collection at the Smithsonian, and any of the free anime. Say no to paddle boats, free concerts, and the Potomac fireworks cruise with dessert buffet. Say yes to the rugby tournament, oversized origami, the Japanese beer tents on Pennsylvania Avenue, and the all-u-can-eat sushi buffet at Sushi Taro (tip: take the fish, send back the rice). My only reason for going to the parade this year? Mark Indelicato (of Ugly Betty fame) dancin' and singing his queeny self down Constitution Avenue. That, and the giant Herro Kitty balloon float.