How To: Getting Drunk at the Airport
Just how early can you decently reach for the bottle? When airports are involved, cocktail hour can't start soon enough, since we all need something to "help us sleep" on the plane. So, what's the best way to tie one on? It depends on how much time you have to kill, your willingness to spend or schmooze, and your tolerance for fellow drunks. Below are some of the approved strategies. (markhillary/flickr)
Airline VIP Lounges: With the life-restoring "one-day pass" for the major airlines' private club rooms, $50 bucks will admit any lowly coach flier to a parallel universe full of tranquil white pine, elegant leather couches. and enticing buffets. Not to mention a well stocked bar. In such pleasant surroundings, you have a moral obligation to drink twice as much as normal. Settle in, start pounding the scotch, and act like you always fly business class.
Drinks Coupons: Once you're safely ensconced in a club room, it gets even better: the girls manning the door have been entrusted with free drink "certificates" that are only good for that day. If they like you, they'll slip you more than one. If you can't schmooze a drinks ticket, zero in on those blessed people who did, and strategically position yourself next to them, so when they're running to catch their flight, they'll (hopefully) leave them on their table, and you can grab them before anyone else does. More deviously, while they're gathering their bags, cheerfully tell them to "have a nice flight!" and lift your 3/4 empty beer glass in their direction -- confirming your status as a co-boozer -- and watch them hand over their unused coupons. Gush your thanks, stash the ticket, then go sit next to another lucky coupon holder and pull the same schtick.
Food Court: Too cheap to shell out $50 bucks? Then move on to the food court, which isn't quite as ghastly as it sounds. Many airport food courts are superior to the mall versions in one important area, namely a liquor license. Instead of screaming kids, your co-drunks will usually be prosperous-looking sales guys, transfixed by their BlackBerrys and three drinks ahead of you. Bound for exotic sounding places like Duluth, Boise, Fort Lauderdale and Akron, they can provide you with helpful travel tips about strip clubs, car rentals and obscure methods for padding your expense account.
Sitting in Parking Structure with Flask: If you're too cheap to buy your drinks, have a friend drive you to the airport and then sit in one of the temporary parking structures and share swigs from a flask. This strategy is one step above a paper bag and a park bench, but it's still better than flying sober.
