Gridskipper

Held Saturdays from 9 p.m. to 3 a.m. at Bar Nun, Entre Nous is an off-premise lifestyle club (that means the lovin' happens elsewhere). Most nights there is a theme (sex-art body painting, "pastease," and risque… business), because straight-up orgies get tedious. Although actually the criticism of EN is that there's too much flirting and not enough playing. EN also hosts most parties for Capital Lipstick, "the DC area's largest bi-seuxal women's social group" (narrowly besting the Junior League). No single men are allowed and no membership is required. Cover is $40 for couples, nothing for the ladies. [link]

DC Starz is Washington's only on-premise lifestyle club (that means the lovin' happens there). The club holds parties every other Saturday night at The Crucible that start around 9 p.m. (on the off Saturdays BDSM… parties are held there). This club has been around for 37 years (no word on whether any of the founding members still attend). Single men are admitted to some events. DC Starz offers memberships but most events are open to non-members as well, kinda like Toastmasters. Ticket prices vary depending on the theme but seem to range from $30 to $80. [link]

Capital Cream is held in a private residence (so it's clearly on-premise), the address is only revealed to Cream members who have RSVP'd for a party. Three levels of the house are open to guests and it has a full… open bar, lounges, play rooms, a dance floor, and a crowd ranging from 21 to their 50s with no problem getting frisky. Some of the rooms, however, are little more than the proverbial mattress on the floor (although one of them is jazzed up with some frat-dorm-style Playboy bunny wall hangings). Membership is $100 for couples, free for single women. [link]

As for what kind of people would enjoy Voluptuous Cafe, well, I'll let … Cafe">its FAQ address that issue: "Does my dick size matter? As for whether or not you can come to a party or receive membership, no it does not matter. But lets take a moment to get real on the subject. If you are sporting 4 inches hard, do not expect most women to be hunting you down. This community is for Voluptuous women and most have ample bottoms. You would tend to need a fair amount of length to make things interesting for these ladies." Membership is $10 a month, parties are held monthly, and the clothes come off at 10:30 p.m. Single men are allowed (just don't expect to get any if you have a dinky). [link]

The Crucible bills itself as "DCs only alternative lifestyles nightclub," which means it's for BDSM activities, not listening to Radiohead (I found that out the hard way; anyone have some Neosporin I can borrow?).… It's open most Fridays and every other Saturday from 9 p.m. to 2 a.m., but check its calendar. Memberships range from $50 to $1,000 a year, although non-members can get in for $40 at the door. Not only are single men admitted, but there are also men-only nights. The Crucible hosts semi-annual Leather Fleamarket & Play parties, in case you're environmentally conscious and like your ball gags recycled. [link]

A private residence in Hyattsville, The House of Comfort has a no-nonsense approach to fooling around: "Socialize in the living room and dining room. Get your freak on in the bedrooms. DON'T mess up the mood. In… the bedroom keep it quiet and get it in." Members are mostly black and single males need an invite to attend a party, which per the club's Evites seem to occur monthly. And on The House of Comfort's website, you also can submit your swinger-inspired poetry, "So while you're feasting on the richness of my sexual harvest, / I have already leaned below to wrap my saturated mouth around your long, thick dick!" Apparently Emily Dickinson is a member. [link]

Ok, maybe Graffixx Tattoo isn't exactly a club, but it is a place where you can have hot and steamy romantic interludes. And by "hot and steamy romantic interludes," I mean go into a basement that resembles Buffalo… Bill's in "Silence of the Lambs," stick your penis through a hole in the wall of a video booth, and (ignoring the tickle of facial hair on your shaft) pretend that the person on the other side is Markie Post. All that's required to enter is a few bucks to feed the video machines and a good imagination. [link]

Judging by Crew Club's website, the clientele are young, well-groomed men, who have no reservations about sharing a laugh in the sauna. So, yeah, it looks like the pictures were swiped from an Abercrombie catalog.… Memberships start at $10 for one day, but there are additional charges for lockers and access to some rooms. Crew Club has a steam room, lounges, a wet area (I don't even know what that means), a Finnish sauna, free tanning, a full gym, and private dressing rooms (which seems counterintuitive). The club is always open; if you go, expect to be too. [link]

These two related parties occur in a three-story apartment in affluent Logan Circle (not too far from where a fabulous … title="Gridskipper: Where to Buy Crack in Northwest DC">crack-for-sex deal went down). At J/O Enthusiasts men convene to get naked and masturbate; Men's Party is an anything-goes, clothing-optional gathering. There's no need to knock during party hours, which are early evening to early morning every day of the week except Tuesday (even hedonists need to rest). The contribution is $8 for J/O Enthusiasts and $14 for Men's Parties, which covers condoms, lube, and soda (one of these three is not like the other). Guests range from the sexy to the old and out of shape. (photo) [link]

A southern belle friend of mine from Charleston, SC, was in DC a few years ago, visiting a friend of hers who's gay. She said they ended up at some gay bar, she went looking for the bathroom, and wandered into a… backroom where a group of men were wearing nothing but socks. She didn't remember the name of the bar, but another friend of mine assured me it's DC Eagle, Washington's foremost leather bar. It's busiest on the weekends, but the second Thursday of the month is also popular — it's jockstrap night. As one would expect of a leather bar (insofar as one as expectations of such establishments), it caters to the S&M bear crowd. And if that group includes you, good news: DC Eagle is always open. (photo) [link]

Walter Pierce Park is an on-premise facility that, unlike many of the other venues described herein, does not discriminate based on sexual preference. Males and females of all shapes and colors can be seen sniffing,… humping, and presenting, although most attendees are into water sports and scat. The S&M crowd might have some complaints however; collars are allowed, but leashes generally are left at the entrance. (photo) [link]