All stories about "Taradise"

L.A. Letter: Wilshire Turns Love Box into Love Circuit

Mind you, the following history exists only in the imaginations of my friends and I, who have all lived in this neck of the woods for many years. Santa Monica and Venice feature a bevy of restaurants and bars catering to the swinging hetero thirtysomethings of western Los Angeles and beyond. First, there was only the “Titty Triangle”: Three great Venice restaurants that not only featured good, reasonably-priced food for the professional crowd, but over-the-top bar scenes. Every Friday and Saturday, those moneyed beach-lovers with a “scratch to itch” hit Hal’s Restaurant (my personal favorite, by far), Chaya Venice Restaurant, and James’ Beach Restaurant. Other area restaurants and bars come and go, but none were ever deemed worthy enough of admission to this exclusive hot and horny threesome. A couple of years ago, however, we voted to add the Viceroy Hotel -- the renovation of a long-standing older, southern Santa Monica hotel -- and its super-hot Whist Restaurant and Cameo Bar. As a result, we renamed “Titty Triangle” the “Love Box.”

And now, after much deliberation and a dinner at Wilshire Restaurant (on Wilshire Boulevard, natch, in central Santa Monica), my Hurricane Katrina refugee niece, N.Diddy, and I voted to admit a new member to the “Love Box.” Desperate for a catchy tag, we of course first thought “Pussy Pentagon,” but that sounded too sick even for us, so we decided to quit channeling high school geometry and renamed the entire thing the “Love Circuit.” Details, photos, and a special bonus side trip after the jump.

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Taradise: Tara 'Tards

Well, here we are at last: the end of Tara Reid's European travel show Taradise on E!. Despite what network suits promised earlier, only 10 of the 13 planned episodes were aired. So be it. Let us shed no tears for Tara, as she makes clear early in the ep that she's happy with her own people: "We're all retarded, I think. We're a bunch of retards. Our IQ at this table right now is about 1." The finale concerns a brief jaunt through Marbella, Spain, and thence to Valencia and the town of Buñol for the infamous Tomatina tomato fight. There's a goodly amount of drinking, though nowhere near Tara's personal best. If the DVD collection ever comes out, I'll tabulate final booze results and release them in Excel for research purposes. First and foremost, after all, I'm a man of science. It's been an honor to chronicle this odyssey through the hottest bars and beaches reserved for rich folk, and fortunately I'm sure I didn't learn a thing about the world, accidentally or otherwise. So thrill to this last Taradise wrapup, and when you're done, I'll be at the bar.

Continue reading "Taradise: Tara 'Tards"

Taradise: Taranticlimax

Sad confirmation or ecstatic liberation? According to ads on E!, next week will be the final episode or (chuckle) "season finale" of Tara Reid's Taradise. You might think from the above pic that Tara has gone into Hunter S. Thompson mode as a result, but this was merely one of her finer moments from a magazine photo shoot (she later enthusiastically agreed to twist her nipple for the camera, a moment fortunately not captured on the show). Far from degenerating into a depressive debauchery that would make Caligula wince, Tara has taken the news of her cancellation in a surprising way: she's supposedly sworn off booze. Her personal drinking seems to have trended downward on Taradise as well, though drinking in general remains joyfully and frequently depicted. So let's get our passports in order and enjoy one more round of forced frivolity and aimless nightclub montages before next Wednesday's farewell.

Continue reading "Taradise: Taranticlimax"

Taradise: Tararepeat

Well, Captain Gridskipper gave me the uneviable task of recapping this week's episode of "Taradise." It was titled "U.K.," which I guess meant she was supposed to spend 30 minutes in the bar car of a train in the English countryside. I mean, how else does one see the U.K. in 30 minutes, especially when all the trains run late?

But, I lucked out. It was simply a repeat of last week's episode, which the Captain recapped for you last Thursday. So after about ten minutes, I went back to my TiVo recording of "Lost," because I had at least 30 minutes of Matthew Fox left to fantasize about. I mean, I'm not sure who this woman might be, although I think she's buddies with Paris Hilton and did not get famous by blowing dudes on the Internets (but, I wouldn't put it past her). So till next week gang, when Tara has promised to head off to Biarritz.

Episode in a Nutshell: Jerk, don't ever cut into my Matthew Fox quality time ever again.

Bob Hanifen [aka BoHan].

Taradise [E!]
Lost [Official Site]
Matthew Fox [IMDB]

Previously: Taradise: Taravengeful, Taradise: Tarahiatus, Taradise: Tarrafied, Tara Reid Drinks to Live Again, Taradise: Tarasexual, Taradise Trashed?

Taradise: Taravengeful

Taradise and host Tara Reid return for amazingly glancing treatments of Paris and London. Now that we know Taradise has been cancelled, and noting that the schedule for the final episodes seems unsure, watching the show takes on a melancholy air. It's kind of like getting official notice that your child has died in a faraway land, then receiving a delayed letter the same child sent from that trip, where everything is still chirpy and happy and fun. To her credit, the contemporaneous post-Taradise Tara has finally wised up and realized that the producers of Taradise were never her pals, and that the show was ruthlessly edited to portray her as "a total party-girl drug retard." When even Anna Nicole Smith starts trashing you, you know somethin' ain't right. Full episode recap after the jump.

Continue reading "Taradise: Taravengeful"

Taradise: Tarahiatus

Last night, E! reran the Pamplona episode of Taradise, so I'm afraid I have nothing for you this morning ... no Drink Report, no Mack Report, no Self-Loathing Index. The finely calibrated system of video equipment designed to isolate and capture the most embarrassing image from each airing of Taradise sits idle, working over the morning's porn load instead. At first I feared this meant the show had been pulled after all, but it looks like Tara will be back next week with a new Paris (the city) episode. In the meantime, I won't leave you with a completely empty plate. Enjoy this account of Tara frolicking with a less than enthused Usher at the Venetian's pool in Las Vegas (new favorite insult: "whoreanous"). She was in town to attend the opening of the Venetian's new Tao nightclub. Sadly no Taradise ep in Vegas, since it does appear the show sure ain't filming anything new, at least. Oh, and just in case you missed it, Tara hypothesizes that one of her breasts might have shot Gandhi. No, really.

Tara Reid: Taradise Does Vegas [PerezHilton]
Taradise Tarnishes Vegas [PerezHilton]
Tao Nightclub [Venetian]
Tara Reid’s Deadly Implants [Defamer]
Taradise [E!]

[Photo: Splash News]

Previously: Taradise: Tarrafied, Tara Reid Drinks to Live Again, Taradise: Tarasexual, Taradise Trashed?, Taradise: Meta-Tara, Taradise: Mighty Taraphrodite

Taradise: Tarrafied

Looks like we'll be together for at least another few episodes, so just lay back and enjoy it. This episode of Tara Reid's Taradise goes to Croatia, which is helpfully shown to us on a map (a first for the show). Drinking approaches normal levels, with a minor tweak to the reporting methodology below (toasts are now counted as pours). Tara manages to pack in little sightseeing this time, visiting a couple islands as well as the cities of Split and Dubrovnik, and by that, I mean the bars of the cities of Split and Dubrovnik. They actually go to the first club in Split within the show's first two minutes, a new record. Tara's older brother Tommy hangs out this time; since her parents were on previously, I'm wondering if the whole family will parade through eventually (bring on those twin younger brothers). Other than that, the show seems to have hit on a formula of introducing Tara to a local hottie, this time a gent who introduces himself with, "I'm a famous singer ... in Croatia." That's him above, serenading our hostess. I, myself, remain huge in Japan. Tara, for her part, remains Jumbotron-big in Jersey.

Drink Report
Methodology: Drinks are counted when anyone on the show drinks any beverage or is shown holding a beverage (no attempt is made to differentiate alcoholic from supposedly non-alcoholic, i.e. clear fluid with lemon wedge). Tara Drinks are counted when Tara drinks a beverage on camera. Toasts and pours of beverages are the producers? semaphore for further excessive drinking off-camera.
Drinks: 31
Tara Drinks: 6
Toasts/Pours: 7

Celebrity Cameos: Tommy Reid, Tara's older brother, apparently a struggling producer/screenwriter, and partner with extremely odd-looking younger sibling Patrick in trendy Santa Monica clothing store Patrick Reid. Croatian crooner Peter Graso, who takes his dutiful place in the Mack Report below.

Celebrity Antics: Tommy Reid, you scamp! At every turn, Tommy sarcastically punctures Tara's naive enthusiasm with jaded cynicism. Sometimes he even eggs her on in her mild flights of fancy about whatever location they're enjoying. On the shores of the island of Hvar, for example:

TARA: Was there a pirate ship here, a long time ago?
TOMMY: Sure.
TARA: Did they find diamonds and treasures here?
TOMMY: Oh yeah!
TARA: Yeah?
TOMMY: Yeah!
TARA: Huge ones?
TOMMY: Big, big jewels.

A few minutes later, after Tara says she feels as if she's really high up, with the moon looking bigger and planes seeming lower (even though she's on the seashore, i.e. at sea level), Tommy and Graso openly ridicule her as she ignores them and babbles about Taradise having no rules, etc. But Tommy's an old softy at heart, remarking in private about his sister, "She's so well accepted here in Croatia. 'Course, Tara in Croatia, open door, here you go. Great time, man." Yeah! Awesome! Wait, what?

Tara in Danger: Graso takes the kids to Lokrum Island, explaining incoherently that priests who once lived there cursed the place:

PETER: So, the island is, like, damned.
TARA: Oh! We're on a damned island?
PETER: Yes, yes, you're on a damned island!
TARA: ... I'm scared, lets' get out of here.

Tara says she's "scared" by something at least once per episode, and it's starting to wear thin. I don't think she's really terrified at all. In fact, they futzed around the island for awhile longer with no apparent damage to their immortal souls -- probably because they didn't dare venture over to the nude beach.

Tara Mack Report: Pity poor Peter Graso, brought in (as others were before him) as a manflesh target for Tara. He has a Bono-ish habit of never taking off his sunglasses, but otherwise seems a decent sort. Much comedy is mined from a pre-meeting interview Graso gave to a Croatian tabloid; when asked what he would say to Tara, he apparently responded "I will rock you." An indignant Tara, on hearing the article translated, huffs, "How you gonna rock me? You don't even know me!" Nevertheless, the show must go on, so Tara and Graso get together for another awkward date thing, chaperoned almost continuously by the dour Tommy Reid. Graso sings a song in Croatian to Tara (see above), and Tara sings some kind of blather back at him. Graso appreciatively comments that she sounds "like a female Joe Cocker." Fortunately, Tara has no idea who that is. Graso ends his stint by fervently hoping to be "a big part of Taradise, maybe next year." Sorry, pal. Oh, by the way, aren't you married to this chick? Oopsie.

Cultural Moment: Amazingly high amount of cultural immersion this episode (well, for this show anyway). We got visits to the old city, churches, and stuff. Tara's really into animals, officiously re-explaining how the fish at one chapel swim in a certain way to predict the weather. Then she points out how needles atop buildings were meant to keep the "penguins" off. "Pigeons," corrects Graso helpfully. Then she asks a tour guide at length if the gate into the old city had a moat like in the movies where crocodiles would eat you if you fell in. "Ah, no, we don't have crocodiles," says the guide wistfully, no doubt imagining Tara in the midst of them.

Tara Self-Loathing Index: Tara's put all that "bad head" behind her. She does a photo shoot for FHM in full bikini mode, sucking in the gut and only getting a little belly action when sitting in an unflattering chair. Of course, it will be airbrushed to hell and back, but that's how it works. She marvels at how much weight she's lost since the first episode in Greece, claiming she's lost 15 pounds. Are these the same much-bewailed 15 pounds from Cyprus? Regardless, Tara's at the zenith of her self-esteem, howling at the camera during their first nightclub outing, "The world is miiiiiiiiine!".

Episode in a Nutshell: How you gonna rock me?

A Very Special Gawker Stalker: Taradise in Jersey [Gawker]
Patrick Reid [Official site]
Lokrum Island [AskMen]
Cranky Croatian Nudist [BootsnAll]
Danijela Martinovic [Official site]
Taradise [E!]

Previously: Tara Reid Drinks to Live Again, Taradise: Tarasexual, Taradise Trashed?, Taradise: Meta-Tara, Taradise: Mighty Taraphrodite, Taradise: Tarrarism

Tara Reid Drinks to Live Again

Or is it the other way around? Broadcasting & Cable reports that hopes for an early reprieve from Tara Reid's travsploitation show Taradise might have been too optimistic by half. According to B&C, "E! will run 12 of 13 planned episodes of the show that tracked Reid?s funfunfun visits to Monte Carlo, Spain, Athens and Cyprus, Greece, and other places where bartenders are known to work." E! Networks prez Ted Harbert 'splains the plug-pulling:

?The show was incredibly difficult to produce with someone well-known,? Harbert says. ?Tara was involved in every minute, and it was an exhausting production.?

Yes, the crew had to be sent home due to fatigue, ladies and gentlemen. Sweepy babies! Still, 12 episodes ... that means we have six more to go. And what about that mysterious 13th episode? Where would Tara have gone? Perhaps the director's commentary on the DVD boxed set will clue us in.

Trouble in Taradise [Broadcasting & Cable]
Taradise [E!]

Previously: Taradise: Tarasexual, Taradise Trashed?, Taradise: Meta-Tara, Taradise: Mighty Taraphrodite, Taradise: Tarrarism, Taradise: Taradox

Taradise: Tarasexual

Were rumors of the demise of Taradise greatly exaggerated? Probably not. Looks like E! has a couple more episodes of Tara Reid's show in the can, and thus I must continue to suffer for awhile longer, and so shall you. Let's visit the Italian island paradise of Sardinia, which Tara thinks might actually be Taradise. (Hope those cancellation rumors aren't true, Sardinia.) Admirable restraint on the drinking this episode, likely due to the temperance-inspiring influence of Tara's parents. I almost added a new "butt-shot" category though, as there were more speed-zooms of bikini-clad beach asses than in your average Girls Gone Wild video. But we'll leave that to the professionals.

Drink Report
Methodology: Drinks are counted when anyone on the show drinks any beverage or is shown holding a beverage (no attempt is made to differentiate alcoholic from supposedly non-alcoholic, i.e. clear fluid with lemon wedge). Tara Drinks are counted when Tara drinks a beverage on camera. Pours of beverages are the producers? semaphore for further excessive drinking off-camera.
Drinks: 11
Tara Drinks: 2
Pours: 0

Celebrity Cameos: Donna Reid (no relation) and Tom Reid, parents of Tara, and God bless 'em for supporting their baby girl through it all. Constantino Vitagliano, the "Italian Brad Pitt," though I might modify that to "the muscular, dark-complected, tatooed, and Italian Rupert Everett" (ahem). Italian designer Roberto Cavalli.

Celebrity Antics: Mom and Pop Reid appear, serve as talking heads, are occasionally shown in long shots, then show up for one last segment involving pizza-making and -eating. Most. Tedious. Montage. Ever. Though it does feature Tara attempting to wipe spilled food off her mom's shirt, then muttering, "I don't wanna touch your boobies, mommy." Then the 'rents are packed in styrofoam and sent back to New Jersey in a shipping container. Our man Constantino Vitagliano takes up the entire Mack Report; see below. Roberto Cavalli gives a fashion show, then invites Tara, her posse, and Tara's folks aboard his yacht where he surgically and publicly emasculates Tara's father by showering her with expensive gifts. On receiving a gold watch, Tara emits some kind of unbearable, mooselike bellow-squeal and exclaims, "Are you joking me? This is joke time." Tom Reid chuckles through gritted teeth.

Tara in Danger: Tara meets with surfing gurus Jason and Barney (both Australian of course) to learn sailsurfing and windsurfing. Sailsurfing involves zipping around via kite power while surfing on a wakeboard strapped to your feet. Lesson One is learning to operate the kite on the beach, sans surf or board. Tara gives it a go with Jason's help, promptly making the kite nosedive and nearly decapitating a group of volleyballers. "Whoa! BITCH! [BLEEP]!" screams one of the indignant victims. "No way I'm flying on that thing," declares Tara. "Not a chance. Not happening." Tara also fails to master the art of windsurfing, again while still on the sand. She settles for watching Jason step into liquid while observing from the safety of a follow boat.

Tara Mack Report: The powers that be at E! decided Tara's thwarted libido had become a danger to herself and others, and those powers took matters into their own hands. Apparently under the auspices of E! International -- we here in America are real sorry about that, world -- Tara is introduced to aforementioned Italian hottie Constantino. Personally I think he resembles a feyer and gayer Jean-Claude Van Damme more than anything else, but those Europeans all look alike to me. Anyway, despite Constantino's impressive rack of back-molar gold fillings, Tara seems charmed by his killer looks, sculpted body, willingness to drop his pants for no reason (see photo above), and inability to speak her language. They (or their more bilingual factotae) agree on a date, which prompts Tara to screech at an off-camera assistant, "Karen! I wanna look unbelievable tonight! I want a fuck-you dress." This evening leads to the infamous throne scene, plus yet another instance of Tara shoving an ignited sparkler in her mouth. Those are the only fireworks, sad to say, as the evening concludes with no further flirty talk, and Constantino ne'er appears again.

Cultural Moment: Perhaps we should just do away with this category? Well, there is a dance show given at a Moroccan restaurant, which is a culture, though not the culture Tara geographically inhabited at the time. Nevertheless, it leads to this exchange between Tara and an unnamed friend as they try to take in all the Moroccan performers:

FRIEND: Every two minutes, something's going on, but we don't know who's who or what's what! But maybe when we open the paper tomorrow ...
TARA: We'll be in it, for sure ...
FRIEND: ... we'll understand it more ...
TARA: We'll have to read Italian though.
FRIEND: (thoughtfully) Yeah.

Could Edward Albee or Harold Pinter have crafted a better exchange than that? Of course they could, but maybe this is the kind of stuff they wrote in college. Or junior high. Paralyzed by existential angst, Tara stares off into space for several seconds, looking right into the lenses of a pack of paparazzi not five feet from her. Suddenly she comes to her senses (ahem) and plasters on a quick, vacant smile. Status quo restored.

Tara Self-Loathing Index: Tara's spirits seem to have been buoyed up by her parents' presence, allowing her to bring them to a wonderful vacation destination and then abandon them for 99% of the time. Plus, it seems Tara was able to blissfully ignore the painfully contrived nature of her "date" with Constantino and just enjoy the moment. Them boobs are all over the place, but still no midriff. One suspects that even the most medically crafted and physically perfect American model would feel a little intimidated next to the fine, firm specimens of Italian girlmeat on display in all directions.

Episode in a Nutshell: This is joke time.

Constantino Vitagliano [Official site]
Roberto Cavalli [Official site]
Taradise [E!]

Previously: Taradise Trashed?, Taradise: Meta-Tara, Taradise: Mighty Taraphrodite, Taradise: Tarrarism, Taradise: Taradox, Wild on Tara Premiere: Shooting the Shit

Taradise Trashed?

It's been a bad week for Tara Reid, I'm afraid. Her handbag containing $180,000 worth of jewelry was stolen at the Ibiza airport. The Balenciaga bag contained, among other things, a Rolex watch of "huge sentimental value." I can see myself getting extremely sentimental over $180,000 worth of anything -- though were it in my possession, such swag would be duct-taped to my body under my clothes, and I would shiv anyone who came within ten feet of me. But that's not the worst of it. Defamer now reports (and damn him for taking that headline) that our beloved Taradise travel/drinking show has been canned. According to sources, the crew has been called home with two episodes still unshot, and no idea if the finished episodes will air. Makes for an easier Thursday morning for me, I suppose, but won't we all miss her? As Defamer says, "We?d pour out a little liquor for Tara, but fear she?d dive on the ground, mouth agape, to prevent our maudlin waste of a single drop." True dat.

Reid is robbed [Irish Examiner]
Taradise Lost [Defamer]
Taradise [E!]

Previously: Taradise: Meta-Tara, Taradise: Mighty Taraphrodite, Taradise: Tarrarism, Taradise: Taradox, Wild on Tara Premiere: Shooting the Shit, Wild on Tara Aperitif

Taradise: Meta-Tara

Welcome back to the ultimate in do-nothing television. Tara Reid spends this episode of Taradise in St. Tropez, eatin' and a-partyin' in preparation for a big party to promote her show. But wait, the party to promote the show is actually on the show! She had a party to promote the show, which is on her show, and is being seen by people already watching her show. She just blew my mind. The party only takes about 2.5 minutes of screen time though, or maybe I just blacked out. This trend might imply a grim future for us all. Tara herself cut down a bit on the drinking, on camera at least, but they also showed her smoking a couple times -- a real shocker, I know, but at least it's different. I hope they depict our hostess hoovering up lines of Colombian marching powder when she finally takes the show to Bogota. And no, that's not a massive super-spliff in her mouth above, nor is it a stick of dynamite. Funny as it may look, there's no way she'll ever let it get in the way of her drinking.

Drink Report
Methodology: Drinks are counted when anyone on the show drinks any beverage or is shown holding a beverage (no attempt is made to differentiate alcoholic from supposedly non-alcoholic, i.e. clear fluid with lemon wedge). Tara Drinks are counted when Tara drinks a beverage on camera. Pours of beverages are the producers? semaphore for further excessive drinking off-camera.
Drinks: 38
Tara Drinks: 5
Pours: 2*
*Does not include 50 battles of champagne sprayed at Nikki Beach.

Celebrity Cameos: Apparently you can't spray champagne in St. Tropez without various celebs scurrying out of the woodwork. Paris Hilton reappears, though once again she won't speak to the camera. Her sister Nicky Hilton also makes a cameo, as does Ryan Seacrest of all people. At Tara's party, she claims "all the basketball players from the United States are there," which might be a small exaggeration. LA Laker Luke Walton is the only one identified by name, though he does have a brief speaking role.

Celebrity Antics: After Tara and her mook friend concoct a plan to spray the crowd at the Nikki Beach club with 50 bottles of champagne, Paris stalks away muttering, "I don't want to be sprayed with champagne by these idiots." When Tara encounters Ryan Seacrest, the two appear to be speaking cheerfully, but it's blatantly obvious they're mentally engaged in a psychic duel to determine who can squeeze the most publicity wattage out of the moment. I'd have to call it a draw at this point (no observable wattage for either party, mentally or publicity-wise). When Nicky Hilton makes a brief appearance, she, Paris, Tara, and a companion of Nicky's named "Allison" all engage in a group girl-hug. Allison calls someone a "crazy bitch," but it's hard to say who. When a bystander leans in to give Paris a peck on the cheek, Tara shrieks, "Are you kidding me? If you touch her again, I'll bite your fuckin' head off!" The Paris-cheek pecker bellows with amusement in response. Luke Walton lamely invites Tara to a Lakers game.

Tara in Danger: Tara jumps off a large yacht into shark-infested waters. No sharks appear, and Tara's bikini top remains in place. And Tara wants everyone to know that the sparkler she's "smoking" above was absolutely not dangerous. The basketball players at Tara's party are drinking giant bottles of Cristal (called "methuselahs" ... who knew). Tara cradles one half-full methuselah to her body a little too affectionately. Somehow I doubt anyone else was too interested in drinking from that bottle afterward, even if they do cost three grand apiece.

Tara Mack Report: Tara waits on the shore with a mimbo incongruously named "Flo" as their friends frolic in the waves. Tara can't swim because of her mic, you see:

TARA: I would die, I would be electrocuted.
FLO: If I would die, I would be the happiest man.
TARA: [laughs, then indignantly] Did you say if I died you'd be the happiest man?
FLO: If I would die right now I would be the happiest man.
TARA: Why is that?
FLO: 'Cause I'm here with you.

Barrrfff! Yeah, nice try, Flo, but we all know you really meant you would be happy to die just to get outta that scene. After this dopey exchange, we're treated to a postcard from Tara that reads, "I think I'm falling for Flo. He's hot!" Later, Tara pulls another girl out of her heiress-hat, this one named "Anna" (it's her boat Tara jumps off). Anna meets Tara & co. for a meaningless conversation surrounded by tourists and paparazzi. Anna waves Tara's arms while trilling, "Tara Reid loves all of you!" She then turns back to the camera, grunts, and curls her lip in the most startling display of patrician disgust yet seen on this show, and that's saying something. Anna later proposes a threesome between herself, her boyfriend, and Tara to alleviate Tara's four sexless months. There's also some talk about the girls lezzing it up for the camera, but ultimately it's all just a tease. Tara later clings drunkenly to Flo while he talks on his cell phone, though Flo throws an arm (in a cast, curiously) around her. Still on his phone, he says, "Isn't she beautiful? You just got to love her. You just got to love her, and hold her, and never let her go." Tara then slurs out something that sounds like, "You wissszzzzhhhaaaa!". Here endeth the macking.

Cultural Moment: Uhhhhh ... well, there is a dinner at Villa Romana restaurant, with models strutting around in purchasable designer wear, and the waiters are all dressed like Napoleon (even with the funny hats). That's what passes for culture in these parts.

Tara Self-Loathing Index: Tara complains bitterly about how much thinner she looks on the photo for her party invitations. Still only a flash of stomach here and there. Tits and ass to be sure, but the midriff has yet to come out in full effect.

Episode in a Nutshell: If I would die, I would be the happiest man.

The No. 1 Network of Never-Were-Land [NY Times]
The Future of Tara Reid [Gallery of the Absurd]
60 Second Interview: Tara Reid [Metro Cafe]
Fine Wines come in these GiantBottles! [GiantBottles.com]
Villa Romana Restaurant [Official site]
Taradise [E!]

Previously: Taradise: Mighty Taraphrodite, Taradise: Tarrarism, Taradise: Taradox, Wild on Tara Premiere: Shooting the Shit, Wild on Tara Aperitif, Odds on Wild on Tara

Taradise: Mighty Taraphrodite

"I'm having the time of my life!" gushes Tara Reid. " People in Cyprus are all about loooooooove!" Today's photo captures Tara right in the middle of that long loooooooove. You can practically feel the love. You can certainly smell the booze, as Tara led the charge through a much more impressive Mediterranean Island drinky fest this episode. Lots of group toasts, pours, tastings, and so on. Though she's still a little conscious about her figure (more on that later), Tara's boobage is in full effect. We have plenty of bikini-top action, and a photo-shoot sequence makes much of her impressive golden orbs. But let's not dwell on the superficial. Tara opens the episode with the mantra, "If you could say one word about me, I think you would say 'love.'" Courtney Love, you mean? But if one picture is worth a thousand words, then the picture above must surely be worth ten thousand looooooooves.

Drink Report
Methodology: Drinks are counted when anyone on the show drinks any beverage or is shown holding a beverage (no attempt is made to differentiate alcoholic from supposedly non-alcoholic, i.e. clear fluid with lemon wedge). Tara Drinks are counted when Tara drinks a beverage on camera. Pours of beverages are the producers? semaphore for further excessive drinking off-camera.
Drinks: 50
Tara Drinks: 10
Pours: 10

Celebrity Cameos: Very light in this department once again. Tara's parents appear very briefly. Lots of face time with Alwyn Kushner, "producer of [crap straight-to-video film Tara just wrapped] Incubus and Tara's friend." Also a trio of "international models" named Marcus, Alex, and Charris, who serve as human window dressing.

Celebrity Antics: Alwyn and Tara briefly commiserate about recent weight gains. "I'm 15 pounds overweight," complains Tara. "Yeah, now I'm 20," agrees Alwyn gloomily. Later, Alwyn and the models accompany Tara to a winery. Having retained nothing from her last winery visit, Tara slugs back one of several glasses in a single gulp. Then she glances around at everyone else still demurely sipping and exclaims, "Oh I thought we were supposed to pound it. I pounded it!" The next round is a strong Cypriot liquor, which causes Tara to instead pound her chest and rasp "Oh momma!" several times, while model Charris dabs at her mouth and squeaks, "My leeps!".

Tara in Danger: A dancing taverna waiter balances many glasses on his head, which frightens and thrills Tara and Alwyn. While dancing with the girls, his tower of glasses falls off and shatters, to much shrieking and tittering. The finger-pointing begins: "He glanced over at Tara," smirks Alwyn to the camera. "That'll make anyone's glasses fall off their head, right?" Uh, right. When the waiter reconstructs an even more impressive tower of glasses atop his head, a giggling Alwyn says, "He must have at least 15!" Tara replies sternly, "No, 20," unconsciously reminding her friend that she's 20 pounds overweight, not only 15 like Tara. Encouraged by her host, Tara manages to balance three glasses on her own head, a scenario rife with too many metaphors to detail here.

Tara Mack Report: Unless she's getting serviced by a production assistant, there's no hint of Tara's surging libido from last episode. No macking to speak of. Tara doesn't even show much interest in the international models, much to their likely relief.

Cultural Moment: It's all about the gods, as Tara swims around Aphrodite's Rock three times in order to gain goddessy powers. "I'll be the guinea pig of all the fun beauty things of God and stuff!" she says brightly. Alwyn accompanies her on the swim, leading to yet another underminer exchange between the two "friends":

TARA: So these are the waters where the goddesses came from. Your face will be beautiful forever ...
ALWYN: Maybe this will fix my body.
TARA: [chuckles politely, does not deny Alwyn's body needs fixing]

Despite paddling through the waters of eros, Tara doesn't quite feel confident enough to "emerge" (her new favorite word) from the water in full bikini mode for a close-up. She does offer a partial no-nip boob slip as compensation, though.

Tara Self-Loathing Index: Apparently not every C-lister Tara encounters wants to play with her, which must make her sad. At least she's strong enough to wear the red boots with pride. If the weight-watching talk and the desperate pursuit of mythological beauty treatments didn't get the point across, Tara veers well into serious pathos by repeatedly and unconvincingly comparing herself to Aphrodite. While clad in a long, flowy dress and seated on a boulder for a photo shoot, she reflects, "I feel like I'm Aphrodite. So right now, I feel like I'm emerging ... [looks down] ... I'm on a rock." Oh well. That analogy had so much potential.

Episode in a Nutshell: Oh, momma. I'm on a rock.

Tara Reid Is in the Zone [IDontLikeYouInThatWay]
Aphrodite's Rock, Paphos [Guardian]
Jason Biggs [Mirror]
Tara Reid is awesome [IDontLikeYouInThatWay]
Taradise [E!]

Previously: Taradise: Tarrarism, Taradise: Taradox, Wild on Tara Premiere: Shooting the Shit, Wild on Tara Aperitif, Odds on Wild on Tara, Wild on Tara Reid

Taradise: Tarrarism

My oh my, but Tara Reid's back on the beam this time. And by back on the beam, I mean she's off the wagon, and glad of it. Today we spend time reducing Monaco City and Monte Carlo to the usual series of disconnected sights, restaurants, and club scenes. While this episode had the fewest total drinks yet, Tara consumes over 80% of them personally (13 of 16). And even though she needs severe schooling at a wine tasting ("Be supple in the wrist!" barks a winery matron when Tara doesn't swirl properly), our hostess proves a natural in the slurping department. Draw your own conclusions. Today's photo comes from a rare moment when Tara describes her geopolitical philosophy in the embarrassed company of Monacan restaurant owner Samy; more on that below. Besides the winery, Tara also visits a racetrack and an inexplicable "free diving" competition, where wetsuit-clad men float facedown in a pool to see who can hold their breath the longest. Surveying a poolful of sodden, immobile, corpse-like bodies, Tara declares it "boring, like a bad bar mitzvah." I don't even know where to begin breaking down that analogy, so let's just get to the goods.

Drink Report
Methodology: Drinks are counted when anyone on the show drinks any beverage or is shown holding a beverage (no attempt is made to differentiate alcoholic from supposedly non-alcoholic, i.e. clear fluid with lemon wedge). Tara Drinks are counted when Tara drinks a beverage on camera. Pours of beverages are the producers? semaphore for further excessive drinking off-camera.
Drinks: 16
Tara Drinks: 13
Pours: 5

Celebrity Cameos: Benjamin Memran, a highly manicured slip of a gay boy, supposedly "famous all over the world" though Google knows him not.

Celebrity Antics: Memran is "turning 20 this summer," and is regrettably single since his boyfriend started fooling around with his (the boyfriend's) ex-wife. After a night of partying, a hungover Memran exclaims, "Thank God I did my firming mask, because I needed it."

Tara in Danger: Tara initially refuses to drive a Formula 1 race car because she can't work a stick shift (ahem), and she's "scared" she'll "get killed." After a couple dozens stalls, she finally gets going and slowly drives off down the track, disappearing from sight. Apparently, she's gone for some time, and a driver is dispatched on a moped to retrieve her. Race car and moped eventually return, again very slowly.

Tara Mack Report: If this third episode equals a third date, Tara feels she has earned the right to some action. While stuffing her face with chocolate fondue, Tara rants:

I need to get some ass. [notices camera] You get that? I'm eating. Fuck off. I need some booty. I've been out of America for five months, and I'm horny.

Despite this manifesto (and yes, they bleeped the obvious "fuck"), and also despite Samy feeding her a forkful of fish "airplane style" (here comes the plane, rrrrrrrrrr!), Tara fails to close the deal in her only on-camera macking attempt. She and her friends manage to set up a rendezvous with a hot Monacan fellah, but she later admits they didn't bother going to the club where they promised to meet him. A little effort here, girlfriend.

Cultural Moment: None. Zip. Zilch. Not even a pretense, not even a voiceover or the briefest of detours. Monaco is a playground for the jet set, and that's all you need to know. However, though there is no Monacan culture, there is the bizarre interlude pictured above where Tara, upon learning that Samy's girlfriend was in London during the tube bombings, holds forth on the terrorism question:

TARA: I wish all the mean people, if you want to be mean to each other, just buy a country together and blow each other up. Then we'd have no terrorists left. Like, don't kill innocent people for no reason. It's not fair. We love everybody. We'd even like them if they said they're sorry. It's not fair that innocent people are getting hurt. It makes me sad. [pouts]
[awkward silence]
SAMY: In Monaco we are safe! No problems!
TARA: [agreeably] Nothing happens in this country! [jaunty music starts, camera switches to close-up of Tara's hands dismembering a lobster]

Because if rich people don't get to enjoy the best in life without the distraction of occasional death and destruction, we're letting the terrorists win.

Tara Self-Loathing Index: Bikini alert! Tara uncovers her belly for the first time, though only at a certain respectful distance. The finally outed fake boobs are looking pretty good, at least in the long shots. This development plus Tara's renewed enthusiasm for drinking seem to indicate a general uptick in her self-image, though I'll reserve judgment based on who she ultimately bangs. Let's just hope she's allowed to bang someone eventually, as her anxiety is palpable (and contagious).

Episode in a Nutshell: Nothing happens in this country.

The boob is out of the bag [Cityrag]
Taradise [E!]

Previously: Taradise: Taradox, Wild on Tara Premiere: Shooting the Shit, Wild on Tara Aperitif, Odds on Wild on Tara, Wild on Tara Reid, My Other Car is Heidi Klum

Taradise: Taradox

So now the program formerly known as Wild on Tara has been renamed Taradise, for reasons that I'm sure make sense to someone. This episode -- thankfully only half an hour -- focuses on the San Fermin Festival in Pamplona and related running of the bulls. Probably because there is so much action-packed footage to gather, there was startlingly less drinking than in the premiere (though this was only half as long). Perhaps reacting to this, host Tara Reid comments wistfully while observing the revelers, "I've never seen so much drinking in your life -- it's a festival of life." Tara spends the episode in a fascinating series of white dresses/tops (I counted five) with the signature red neckerchief of the bull-runners, but she has yet to uncover herself on camera -- possibly to give her lipo time to heal (today's photo depicts her practicing bikini tai chi apparently). And despite keeping herself well away from any potential goring (unfortunately for the viewer), Tara describes herself as being "scared" about a dozen times, at one point pondering, "Am I having fun now, or am I scared?". Tellingly, she wraps the whole thing up with a self-analytical bow by declaring, "I think this trip is actually making me more humble." Don't be so hard on yourself, babe. That's my job.

Drink Report
Methodology: Drinks are counted when anyone on the show drinks any beverage or is shown holding a beverage (no attempt is made to differentiate alcoholic from supposedly non-alcoholic, i.e. clear fluid with lemon wedge). Tara Drinks are counted when Tara drinks a beverage on camera. Pours of beverages are the producers? semaphore for further excessive drinking off-camera.
Drinks: 35
Tara Drinks: 1
Pours: 0

Celebrity Cameos: None; dreams of a meeting of the "minds" between Tara and Dennis Rodman are dashed. Suspect limelight-stealing Paris Hilton cameo from premiere led Tara to scale back future cameos.

Celebrity Antics: Limited to Tara herself, and consisting mostly of her energetically and vapidly commenting on the bull run she declined to join.

Tara in Danger: Tara's sense of self-preservation was strong in this episode, as she ultimately refused to run with the bulls after this exchange with a bull-run expert:

TARA: You guys better be protecting me!
EXPERT: I'll be honest, I won't be protecting you.
TARA: (hurt look, pouting)
EXPERT: It's every man for himself out there.

Tara Mack Report: No visible macking. All those who commented were Brits, Americans, or Australians, and they were all bull-run nerds, if you can imagine such a thing. Longest and most boring nightclub montage ever didn't feature any mack targets, nor did it even have the usual fatuous voiceover -- leading this reviewer to suspect it was spliced in to cover a gap or a deleted segment.

Cultural Moment: Even for this show, little cultural or local info is conveyed. As noted above, Tara manages to speak to no Spaniards at all about the bull run. Despite this, later she marvels, "There's so much here, the history. We learned so much about it." We did?

Tara Self-Loathing Index: Existential and very Hemingway. Over the course of the show, even though she refused to actually run with the bulls, Tara shames herself into unconsciously speaking as if she did participate. Note factual corrections in brackets: "So much that goes into this ... and the running of the bulls is such a beautiful experience [that I didn't have]." Or, "Absolutely, I'd [try to] do it again." Or, "I just [did not have] the craziest experience!"

Episode in a Nutshell: Neither scared nor having fun.

Wild On Tara?s Stomach [Defamer]
considering liposuction? [cityrag]
Tara Reid goes wild again (and again) [MSNBC]
Tara Reid Drinking Game [Liquid Generation]
Taradise [E!]

Previously: Wild on Tara Premiere: Shooting the Shit, Wild on Tara Aperitif, Odds on Wild on Tara, Wild on Tara Reid, Drunk Bull-Runners Precious When Sleeping

Wild on Tara Premiere: Shooting the Shit

So, in the premiere of E!'s Wild on Tara, eponymous hostess Tara Reid never once discharged a firearm, opting instead to explore the hotels, beaches, and drinking establishments of Athens and Mykonos. I'm depressed to learn that my ostensibly satirical predictions turned out to be largely accurate (Parises, drinking, cultural cringe, purchasing/discarding of local crafts, etc.). But I'd be fortunate if that was the least horrible thing about Wild on Tara. All claims of cultural relevance were cast to the wind, of course. Greek "television personality" Yanna Daralis was dispatched separately to do a little fluffy destination reporting; Daralis and Reid are supposedly friends, though the two never appeared on camera together. Tara herself never appeared in less than a heavy-cover wrap, likely to play down her unfortunately bloaty looks these days. Anyway, rather than bore you with more wordy words, let's just cut to the breakdown.

Drink Report
Methodology: Drinks are counted when anyone on the show drinks any beverage or is shown holding a beverage (no attempt is made to differentiate alcoholic from supposedly non-alcoholic, i.e. clear fluid with lemon wedge). Tara Drinks are counted when Tara drinks a beverage on camera. Pours of beverages are the producers' semaphore for further excessive drinking off-camera.
Drinks: 53
Tara Drinks: 7
Pours: 5

Celebrity Cameos: Paris Hilton, Paris Latsis, Yanna Daralis (Greek TV person, actual celebrityhood unverified), Clive Davis (Chairman and CEO, BMG North America), Jaleel White (aka Steven Urkel), Freddie Mitchell (NFL wide receiver, formerly Philly, now Kansas City).

Celebrity Antics: Paris Latsis's father Grigoris Kasidokostas energetically paddles Tara on the behonkus. Freddie Mitchell drops his pants, for no apparent reason, twice.

Tara in Danger: Parasailing with Paris Hilton (Paris-sailing?). Aboard a large, inflatable raft, towed roughly behind a speedboat, Paris H. and Tara knock heads (insert joke here). Tara: "I think I broke my eyeball!"

Tara Mack Report: Tara macks on a cousin of Paris (Latsis, assumed), but dismisses him as too shy. Tara and Greek hotelier Kriton Harakopoulos then verbally mack upon each other (to the camera, when the other is not present), though the macking appears forced to put it mildly.

Cultural Moment: Enjoying dinner on the roof of the Athenian Hotel Grande Bretagne, Tara asks the wine steward about the view:

TARA: What is that?
STEWARD: That's the Acropolis. And that there is the Parthenon.
TARA: And what is that?
STEWARD: It's ... it's a monument ...
TARA: So, is he like, one of the gods?

Tara Self-Loathing Index: Two references to getting fat, one expressed as, "I'm gonna be a monster by the end of this."

Episode in a Nutshell: I think I broke my eyeball.

HotelChatter World's Cutest Concierge: Nominee Kriton [Hotel Chatter]
Tara on the Apanema in Mykonos [Hotel Chatter]
Wild on Tara: First Stop, Hotel Grande Bretagne [Hotel Chatter]
Oddjack Cultural Oddsmaker: Wild on Tara! [Oddjack]
Wild on Tara [E!]

Previously: Wild on Tara Aperitif, Odds on Wild on Tara, Wild on Tara Reid, Attalos Hotel, Fresh Hotel Athens

Wild on Tara Aperitif

Ahhhh, that's more like it. No confirmation, but this scenario appears to have taken place during Ms. Reid's jaunt through Italy when taping her show, which debuts tonight. Courtesy Defamer. And according to his tipster, the brown gentleman is "Costantino Vitagliano, daytime/talk show darling, whose dubious heterosexuality has been the target of much, much so-called industry gossip.? Dubious indeed. Is this some kind of ill-conceived Cruise-Holmes attempt at bearding?

Tara Reid Spreads Her Goodwill Across The Globe [Defamer]
A Match Made in Heaven [Mondo Oltro, in Italian]
Costantino Vitagliano [Official site, in Italian]
Wild on Tara [E!]

Previously: Odds on Wild on Tara, Wild on Tara Reid, Intranational Gawker Stalker: Cornrows, Kels, Kiss, International Gawker Stalker: Suffering and Denial in Icy North, Intranational Gawker Stalker: Bacon Bone Thrown Too Late

Odds on Wild on Tara

Remember, kids, tonight's the premier of Wild on Tara on E!. To celebrate and commemorate, check out the Cultural Oddsmaker crafted by yours truly for sistah souljah site Oddjack. I would have gone with a drinking game, but that seems sort of redundant.

Oddjack Cultural Oddsmaker: Wild on Tara! [Oddjack]
Wild on Tara [E!]

Related: Tara Reid: Intrepid (Party) Girl Reporter [MSN]

Previously: Wild on Tara Reid, Intranational Gawker Stalker: Cornrows, Kels, Kiss, International Gawker Stalker: Suffering and Denial in Icy North, Intranational Gawker Stalker: Bacon Bone Thrown Too Late, Sex, Drugs, and Bladder Release

Wild on Tara Reid

The E! network pushes another apocalypse button with the debut of Wild on Tara on Wednesday night (August 10). Now, if the premise of this show kept it simple -- funnel liquor into the gullet of host and problem drinker Tara Reid and let her loose on a random city, then retrieve her corpus in the morning from whichever mimbo-hovel or drunk tank she had settled in by dawn -- then I could respect the concept. However, I suspect instead we'll be treated to a creaking exoskeleton of travel advertorial with Reid bobbling around in various highly controlled situations. The photo gallery indicates she attended the running of the bulls in Pamplona, but apparently didn't actually run. Pity, that. She might have been sucked into a mutually annihilating skank-nexus with Dennis Rodman.

Wild On Tara: Let the Ensuing Train Wreck Begin [Jaunted]
Obvious Headline: Tara Reid?s Drinking Problem [Defamer]
Wild on Tara [E!]

Previously: Dennis Rodman Runs with Only Bulls That Will Have Him, Sex, Drugs, and Bladder Release, Black Eyed P, Intranational Gawker Stalker: Kiddie Porn, Showers, Lincoln Park Trixies, Ignore Miami

Tara Reid: Not Only a Lush, But a Travel Expert Too

From our fellow Movable Type-wielding slaves over at the mother blog, we've received word that Tara Reid is the new host of the E! network's travel show, Wild On. There's no need for a sarcastic comment here, kids. There's simply no need.

So instead, let's just quote the New York Post's page six, who do the subtle "she's a falldown drunk" thing so much better than us:

Tara Reid is finally embracing her reputation as one of Hollywood's hardest-partying hotties. The buxom barfly is thisclose to signing a deal to become the next host of the E! channel's popular "Wild On!" travel show, following the bikini-clad likes of Cindy Taylor, Brooke Burke and Jules Asner.

"Thisclose"? C'mon Post folks, don't you know Rupert Murdoch kills one of your children's puppies every time you let a typo slip into the paper?

Tara Reid Accepts Her Career Trajectory [Gawker]
'Wild' New Gig [New York Post]