Taradise: Tarrarism

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My oh my, but Tara Reid's back on the beam this time. And by back on the beam, I mean she's off the wagon, and glad of it. Today we spend time reducing Monaco City and Monte Carlo to the usual series of disconnected sights, restaurants, and club scenes. While this episode had the fewest total drinks yet, Tara consumes over 80% of them personally (13 of 16). And even though she needs severe schooling at a wine tasting ("Be supple in the wrist!" barks a winery matron when Tara doesn't swirl properly), our hostess proves a natural in the slurping department. Draw your own conclusions. Today's photo comes from a rare moment when Tara describes her geopolitical philosophy in the embarrassed company of Monacan restaurant owner Samy; more on that below. Besides the winery, Tara also visits a racetrack and an inexplicable "free diving" competition, where wetsuit-clad men float facedown in a pool to see who can hold their breath the longest. Surveying a poolful of sodden, immobile, corpse-like bodies, Tara declares it "boring, like a bad bar mitzvah." I don't even know where to begin breaking down that analogy, so let's just get to the goods.

Drink Report
Methodology: Drinks are counted when anyone on the show drinks any beverage or is shown holding a beverage (no attempt is made to differentiate alcoholic from supposedly non-alcoholic, i.e. clear fluid with lemon wedge). Tara Drinks are counted when Tara drinks a beverage on camera. Pours of beverages are the producers? semaphore for further excessive drinking off-camera.
Drinks: 16
Tara Drinks: 13
Pours: 5

Celebrity Cameos: Benjamin Memran, a highly manicured slip of a gay boy, supposedly "famous all over the world" though Google knows him not.

Celebrity Antics: Memran is "turning 20 this summer," and is regrettably single since his boyfriend started fooling around with his (the boyfriend's) ex-wife. After a night of partying, a hungover Memran exclaims, "Thank God I did my firming mask, because I needed it."

Tara in Danger: Tara initially refuses to drive a Formula 1 race car because she can't work a stick shift (ahem), and she's "scared" she'll "get killed." After a couple dozens stalls, she finally gets going and slowly drives off down the track, disappearing from sight. Apparently, she's gone for some time, and a driver is dispatched on a moped to retrieve her. Race car and moped eventually return, again very slowly.

Tara Mack Report: If this third episode equals a third date, Tara feels she has earned the right to some action. While stuffing her face with chocolate fondue, Tara rants:

I need to get some ass. [notices camera] You get that? I'm eating. Fuck off. I need some booty. I've been out of America for five months, and I'm horny.

Despite this manifesto (and yes, they bleeped the obvious "fuck"), and also despite Samy feeding her a forkful of fish "airplane style" (here comes the plane, rrrrrrrrrr!), Tara fails to close the deal in her only on-camera macking attempt. She and her friends manage to set up a rendezvous with a hot Monacan fellah, but she later admits they didn't bother going to the club where they promised to meet him. A little effort here, girlfriend.

Cultural Moment: None. Zip. Zilch. Not even a pretense, not even a voiceover or the briefest of detours. Monaco is a playground for the jet set, and that's all you need to know. However, though there is no Monacan culture, there is the bizarre interlude pictured above where Tara, upon learning that Samy's girlfriend was in London during the tube bombings, holds forth on the terrorism question:

TARA: I wish all the mean people, if you want to be mean to each other, just buy a country together and blow each other up. Then we'd have no terrorists left. Like, don't kill innocent people for no reason. It's not fair. We love everybody. We'd even like them if they said they're sorry. It's not fair that innocent people are getting hurt. It makes me sad. [pouts]
[awkward silence]
SAMY: In Monaco we are safe! No problems!
TARA: [agreeably] Nothing happens in this country! [jaunty music starts, camera switches to close-up of Tara's hands dismembering a lobster]

Because if rich people don't get to enjoy the best in life without the distraction of occasional death and destruction, we're letting the terrorists win.

Tara Self-Loathing Index: Bikini alert! Tara uncovers her belly for the first time, though only at a certain respectful distance. The finally outed fake boobs are looking pretty good, at least in the long shots. This development plus Tara's renewed enthusiasm for drinking seem to indicate a general uptick in her self-image, though I'll reserve judgment based on who she ultimately bangs. Let's just hope she's allowed to bang someone eventually, as her anxiety is palpable (and contagious).

Episode in a Nutshell: Nothing happens in this country.

The boob is out of the bag [Cityrag]
Taradise [E!]

Previously: Taradise: Taradox, Wild on Tara Premiere: Shooting the Shit, Wild on Tara Aperitif, Odds on Wild on Tara, Wild on Tara Reid, My Other Car is Heidi Klum