Debriefer: Gay Curmudgeon Paul Hallasy

Curmudgeonhood is not a title lightly claimed, despite many pretenders. Actor, comedian, author, singer, and nominal gay curmudgeon Paul Hallasy stakes his claim to performance fame at Broadway Comedy Club on December 5. Before, after, and perhaps even during, you can supplement the experience by reading his novel, New York Trilogy: New York Underground, Trapped, Love and Sex.

We're going to imprison you in the city of your choice for the rest of your natural life. You can do anything you want there, but you must stay in that city forever. Where would you choose?
I'm already a prisoner of New York. I can't leave -- I'm rent stabilized!

Why would you live in this city forever and not somewhere else?
Refer to the first question.

In what part of the city would you reside?
The West Village. In fact, I would live in one of the Perry Street towers (the good one, not the ones with leaking ceilings). The only downside is I'd no longer be able to walk around my apartment naked.

Where and what would you eat?
All the places I can't afford to eat now (i.e., every restaurant ever reviewed in The New York Times).

What would you do for fun?
Look at guys sunbathing on the Christopher Street pier from the balcony of my penthouse, bitch!

Where would you go for a night on the town?
I think I would have to open my own bar, one with adequate lighting and a sound system that doesn't cause permanent hearing damage. This way you could actually see and hear the people you were fucking.

What kinds of shops are worth going to?
I'm lucky I can afford to shop at The Gap. If I really want to splurge I'll go to Banana Republic. I recently bought a tie there for $68. That's enough to feed and clothe a family in Africa for an entire year.

And on the flip side: What city would you never, ever visit again, if you had a choice?
Los Angeles. The weather may be nice, but the guys over there make the guys over here look like geniuses.

What city have you found to have the best audiences? Do you have a favorite space to perform?
Unfortunately, audiences have deteriorated everywhere. You can't even go to a Broadway show anymore without someone talking back to the stage. Hey, buddy! It's not your living room! And, while we're on the subject, take your hand out of your underwear!

We know it's not the same as seeing you live, but can you tell us one of your favorite jokes?
My life is a joke! I'm 46 years old and I'm still living paycheck to paycheck!

You're based in New York, but have you always lived there? In your eyes, what separates New York from other cities?
I made the leap from Long Island (or, as I like to call it, New York Lite). Obviously, the cost of living is what separates New York from other cities. Where else would you pay $1,000 a month for a studio with a shower in the kitchen and consider yourself lucky?

In your persona as the "Gay Curmudgeon," please pick your top six (or more) favorite places or spaces.
1. The Eagle - This isn't so much my favorite gay bar as it is my least unfavorite gay bar. It's the only bar in the city with a sexual atmosphere. Unfortunately, that sometimes means someone getting fucked on the pool table with a pool cue. (Doesn't anybody take people home anymore?) It's also the only bar in the city where you'll see guys over 40 or, as guys under 40 refer to them, "dead people." (OK, there's guys way over 40 at the Townhouse, but that's a hustler bar.)

2. The Gym Sportsbar - A good bar if you like watching TV. A lousy bar if you like getting laid. Everyone's watching TV!

3. Phoenix - Once upon a time there were actual artists living in the East Village. They went to the Bar on Second Avenue (which is now a straight bar called Two By Four). Now there are NYU students and trust fund babies who think they're artists. They go to the Phoenix.

4. Rawhide - The last time I went here I got robbed! But, hey, at least there's no attitude.

5. Christopher Street Pier/Hudson River Park - What was once a barren stretch of concrete and broken-down piers is now a beautifully landscaped park. Unfortunately, these days you're more likely to pick up a soccer mom with a double-wide stroller than you are a hot number. (On the plus side, you're less likely to pick up an STD.)

6. The Townhouse - If this is what gay men have to look forward to, I'd suggest taking a walk on the Christopher Street Pier -- and then jumping off!

Debriefer is a weekly interview of random individuals about their favorite cities. If you'd like to be interviewed for Debriefer, let us know.