A Business Plan for the Aspiring LA Madam

A single escort agency can keep a waxer employed full time; the key is to find someone who lacks the usual sadistic impulses. The girls at Wax LA definitely fit the bill, … inspiring armies of hair-free women to sing their praises on Yelp. Conveniently located on Melrose with easy meter parking, this well designed and extremely clean salon is one more name to add to your speed dial. [link]

Recruiting an attractive staff can be challenging, as job applicants tend to submit airbrushed-to-death photos that aren't exactly current. So, to save time, most … upscale madams insist on personal interviews, usually while they're parked at some hot LA club. Conduct your office hours every night at Opera, an expensively designed space currently going strong in Hollywood. It's packed with beautiful women, many of whom would be happy to discuss future business opportunities while freeloading off your bottle service. [link]

Ambitious hookers can really rake in the bucks at bachelor parties, but occasionally the partygoers get a bit ... over-enthused. So it's always good to have someone on … the scene looking out for your interests without wanting to take a percentage. Los Angeles Bodyguards offers a multitude of services, including drivers, guest screening, and paparazzi countermeasures, in the event you get named in a celebrity divorce case. [link]

Avoid g-string related injuries or the embarrassment of getting returned by a customer who found your Target bikini briefs less than hot. Instead, invest heavily in the … good stuff: beautifully made lingerie from La Perla on Rodeo Drive. Though painfully expensive, these undergarments are incredibly flattering while still somewhat kinky and are guaranteed to last much longer than your career. [link]

While some madams make a name for their agencies via referrals from satisfied clients, others promote themselves with DIY websites or lazily resort to MySpace. Sadly, … neither of these low budget methods have the reliable spellchecking most hookers so desperately need, especially those just arrived from Eastern Europe. Make your site literate and tasteful by engaging the services of Pasadena's JustWebsdesigners.com, one of the most reasonably priced and reliable in town. [link]

Like tires, a hooker's boobs need to be replaced every five years or so, though with routine maintenance a few extra months can pass by without major repercussions. In … other cities this might pose a problem, but fortunately in LA you can't throw a rock without hitting a plastic surgeon. The best (and reputably nicest) is Dr. Nikolov, a renowned Beverly Hills boob architect. Beautiful offices, friendly, discreet nurses, and wildly enthusiastic testimonials make Dr. Nik the professional's choice. [link]

In some cities, hookers are shipped in by taxi, but here most upscale agencies offer transportation to work, making sure to encourage environmentally responsible habits, … such as carpooling for threesomes and foursomes. One of the most pampery car services around is Diva Limo, which in addition to providing snacks and chilled mineral water also offers shiny new Town Cars with tinted windows and a selection of newspapers. They have reliable airport service too -- perfect for outcalls to international clients and busy public officials in DC. [link]