Commie Invasion in LA

"Mommy, why do those security guards all have a Glock pistols strapped to their waists?" "Because that's how we do things in Mother Russia, Ivan. Now go back to your … Lenin coloring book and let Mommy smoke her cigarettes and gossip with her friends about what a cheating pig daddy is." If you are not either a Russian businessman or the hot girlfriend of a Russian businessman, you have probably never heard of Il Paradiso. And that, we suggest to you, might be for the better. [link]

The food at this Russian deli is enough to get it dubbed "authentic" -- there are apparently tour books that advise traveling Russians that they should go to this place … for their borscht. On the other hand, the menu has a bevy of flavored vodkas, which is both shticky and not particularly Russian. But their dishes seem suitably sour, and the servers seem suitably skeptical of capitalism. [link]

We take it as a principle of faith that hole-in-the-wall restaurants where no one speaks English are superior to places where the immigrants have spent valuable time … learning the local vernacular. While the good folks at Robert's do speak a little English, you have to spend two or three minutes staring blankly and gesturing wildly before they'll believe that you were actually stupid enough to show up to their restaurant without a native Russian speaker. They don't sell alcohol, so they let you bring in your own bottle of vodka. We heart such places. [link]

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A small lesson in capitalist economics: If you're going to open a club up in one of LA's main Russian neighborhoods, you should make it a Russian club instead of a goth … dive. Last March saw Russian dance club Bar Lubitsch take over the digs of the old Parlour Club, and they've been busy letting B-list celebs through their velvet rope ever since. This place is exactly what you expect -- guys with shaved chests and open shirts, moderate to expensive watery drinks, girls with fake chests and open shirts, etc. Most of the web is littered with positive and suspiciously similar user "reviews" and "votes," suggesting that the club's atmosphere isn't the only thing that's been imported from Mother Russia. Or maybe they really do have the best drinks in Los Angeles and absolutely no cons. What do we know? [link]

The website describes the Romanov dining room as "an environment that is reminiscent of the Tsar's Winter Palace." We think that it looks a more like the inside of a … corrupt Russian oligarch's two billion dollar gold encrusted jetliner, sans underage hookers. Still, the heavy red drapes, exquisite furniture, and giant chandelier of this Russian steakhouse all scream out that you can't afford to eat here. They're eventually going to open a Winter Gallery in the back and decorate it with fake snow. Yes, really. [link]

This place is small -- about five tables, a few cooks, and that's it. The menu is Russian and Middle Eastern and has no pictures, but the various workers speak … passable English, so you should be fine. The restaurant has been getting some love on Chowhound, and meals are supposed to be absurdly affordable. Which means that you have about two weeks until it becomes so overcrowded with hipster foodies that there will simply be no alternative except to lock all the customers inside, burn the whole place down, and start over somewhere else. [link]