Bad Coffee in Park Slope
Any way you cut it, there are a lot of crappy sludge-making coffeehouses here. Like most who have inhabited or at least visited Park Slope, I've been run down by strollers, glanced at disapprovingly by parents when I curse, and disappointed by overpriced stoop sales. What I probably do not share with most of you readers is that I was a Park Slope after-school nanny for 2+ years. Tack on three other jobs in Manhattan and the Bronx, and the living/working combo in Park Slope predictably resulted in many cups of coffee from neighborhood establishments. Perhaps I was unlucky in hitting up most in the midafternoon, rather than at prime coffee time in the morning, but a good coffee place should be able to deliver throughout the day. Bad cups of coffee were the least of my worries then, but now that I'm no longer a sleep-deprived domestic laborer, I can bitch about each and every one.
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Tea Lounge
837 Union St
Brooklyn, NY 11215
Perhaps it is inherently foolish to expect good java at a tea place, but shouldn't you when the so-called baristas make curvy little leaf patterns on the top of your … coffee? The glass mugs with funky handles are nice, but not when you're fighting off the romper room masses in an attempt to find a seat not covered in baby spit-up. [link]
Postmark Cafe
326 6th St
Brooklyn, NY 11215
Postmark Cafe came about like this: "After careful prayer and consideration, we believed God was leading us to Park Slope to start a church." The folks at Church! run … Postmark, and I suppose there is some satisfaction in knowing that my coffee money is going to an ending-hunger org. and not the peeps who issued the above statement. [link]
Perch Cafe
365 5th Ave
Brooklyn, NY 11215
Overpriced and IKEA-ed out with cranberry red decor and a bird theme, you want this place to fulfill your caffeine desires so you can deliver your yuppiefied declaration … that "it's all worth it and isn't Park Slope the best???" It isn't, so watch out for the baby stroller train wreck on your way out. [link]
Ozzie's Coffee III
249 5th Ave
Brooklyn, NY 11215
This Ozzie's was the lucky recipient of my very first footsteps and cash money when I stumbled upon Brooklyn's famed 5th Avenue years ago. And yet, the paradox remains: … sub-par coffee that no one orders, not-free wifi, and one of the largest coffee shop spaces in the neighborhood. [link]
Ozzie's Coffee
57 7th Ave
Brooklyn, NY 11217
When being able to choose from many vacant seats is the one "pro" I can come up with, a coffeehouse is not doing its job. The small space is uninviting and uncomfortable, … the service spotty and rude, and the coffee mediocre. (photo) [link]
Gorilla Coffee
97 5th Ave
Brooklyn, NY 11217
Fair trade this and fair trade that is all well and good, but contrary to popular belief, what we have here is not "strong coffee," but roasted beans that have been … burnt. Tis true, I hate Gorilla Coffee and equate it with Starbuck's. Bring on the hate, Gorilla lovers, bring on the hate! [link]
Bagel World II
339 5th St
Brooklyn, NY 11215
In a perfect world, one could buy their New York bagel and coffee at the same venue, but after repeatedly tossing the dreadful latter into the trash right outside Bagel … World, I will make the separate trip to the bakery four blocks away. Oh, and you know, not spilling it all over the counter when you put the lid on might be a nice perk. [link]
