Boston
• Orinoco: South End Venezuelan restaurant opens a new location in Brookline Village.

Chicago
• Angels & Mariachis: A two-story taqueria and "rock cantina" opened on Monday in the East Village.
• Veerasway: New restaurant in the Warehouse District offers Indian small plates by chef Angela Lee.
• Zed 451: New River North restaurant served global fare made with seasonal market products.

Dallas
• Orange Cup: Beating Pinkberry to the punch, UT Austin grads establish a fro-yo shop at Northpark Center.
• So Rene Spa: An alternative to mega-spas, this one-room facility has personalized, attentive service and a range of beauty treatments.

London
• Content: Calling itself "the U.K.'s first luxury beauty boutique with a conscience," this new shop stocks certified organic beauty care for women, men, and babies.
• The Punch Bowl Pub: Guy Ritchie and partners refurbish a Mayfair Pub that dates back to the 1750's.

Los Angeles
• A Bathing Ape: The newest boutique for this Japanese streetwear label is causing a frenzy on Melrose.
• Delancey: New Italian gastropub in Hollywood promises to bring a New York vibe to the West Coast.
• Father's Office: Santa Monica gastropub, known for its burgers and craft brewed beers, opens a new location in Culver City.
• Fred Segal Green: Fred Segal opens a 1,200 square-foot home and lifestyle shop for green shoppers.

Miami
• Me: A private gym in Wynwood offers one-on-one training and countless perks: laundry service, flat-screen TVs, and even car washing services.

New York
• Bourbon Street Bar and Grille: New Midtown restaurant is an homage to New Orleans' French Quarter; expect po' boys, local brews and beads.
• Elizabeth: The former executive chef and chef de cuisine of Country are serving up Mediterranean fare at the former Rialto.
• Mastiha: Greek beauty care brand opens its first U.S. boutique in the Lower East Side.

Philadelphia
• Goodburger: NYC burger joint opens a Philly outpost on Chestnut St.
• Zahav: A long-awaited, modern Israeli restaurant opens next week.

San Francisco
• Pampas: Churrascaria in Palo Alto serves Brazilian-style barbecue.
• Tuttimelon: Yet another fro-yo shop opens, this time in the Marina.
• Uva Enoteca: A new destination for charcuterie and Italian wines opens in the Lower Haight.

Washington D.C.
• Bungalow Homewares: New home emporium in Alexandria stocks eco-friendly furnishings and accessories.
• Ginger: Bethesda womenswear boutique stocks labels like Trovata and Linda Loudermilk.
• Tackle Box: New sustainable seafood restaurant bills itself as the area's first lobster shack.

Boston
• Leokadia: A new South End shop carries exclusive shoe collections, jewelry and accessories.
• Scampo: Local culinary star Lydia Shire opens a fine-dining Italian restaurant inside the Liberty Hotel.

Chicago
• Park 52: A long-awaited American bistro opens in Hyde Park.
• Rebar: The new bar inside of Trump Tower has great views of the Chicago River.
• Zed 451: A contemporary steakhouse serves meals tableside, in the style of Brazilian churrascaria.

Dallas
• Natsumi: Texas gets in on the fro-yo craze with this new Knox/Henderson shop.

Las Vegas
• Wet Republic: 53,000 square-foot ultra pool, with an open-air lounge and VIP bungalows, opens at the MGM Grand.

London
• Saf: Offering what they call "botanical fine dining," this new Shoreditch restaurant specializes in organic, raw food.

Los Angeles
• Brix@1601: New fine-dining restaurant — with former Roosevelt Hotel chef Michael McDonald at the helm — opens this week in Hermosa Beach.
• Coffee Table Lounge: Eagle Rock sports bar has 16 beers on tap and over 100 bottles.
• El Prado: A laid-back destination for small plates and microbrews opens in Echo Park.
• Free People: Label known for its boho designs opens a boutique at the Westfield Topanga Mall in Canoga Park.

Miami
• Forever in Blue Jeans: A dream-come-true for designer denim addicts; this new boutique stocks William Rast, Chip & Pepper, Hudson and more.
• Ratatouille: The owners of Café Maurice open a classic French bistro.

New York
• Aloha Rag: Hawaii-based retailer opens a boutique in Hudson Square; Lucien Pellat-Finet, Ksubi and Phillip Lim are among the labels in stock.
• By The Pound: Housing Works opens a midtown shop that sells clothing for $3 a pound.
• Wildwood: The former site of Park Avalon and Barca 18 re-opens as a new barbecue restaurant this week.

San Francisco
• Anchor & Hope: The team behind Town Hall and Salt House open a new seafood restaurant in SoMa.
• Hopmonk: Tavern and 85-seat beer garden opens in Sebastopol.

Washington, D.C.
• The Little Shoebox: Upscale women's shoe shop, stocking labels like Kate Spade and Etro, opens in Bethesda.

Boston
• Atelier: A new Back Bay salon has just three coveted seats for haircuts with stylist Dean Mellen.

Chicago
• Big Jones: A new contemporary southern restaurant opened last week; get free Wi-Fi and tea service during the day, alligator and fine wine in the evening.
• Mado: A new Italian/Mediterranean restaurant shows true dedication to sustainability — everything, including the decor as well as the food, is locally sourced.
• Starfruit: A new fro-yo shop had its grand opening yesterday.

Cofresi
• Social: Jeffrey Chodorow opens a new branch of his sexiest restaurant at Maxim Bungalows in the Dominican Republic.

London
• Prick Your Finger: Friends from Central St. Martins open a shop dedicated to crafty young knitters; classes supplement the shop's selection of fine yarns.

Los Angeles
• Alexander McQueen: The British designer/enfant terrible opened his first West Coast shop last week.
• Flake: Early risers in Venice Beach can head to this "cereal bar" for breakfast in a bowl; over 40 varieties of hot and cold cereals, as well as light sandwiches, are served from 6:30 am until the early evening.
• Ports 1961: Canadian label opens a new boutique for its luxury womenswear on Melrose Place.
• Shizue: Japanese handbag and jewelry label opens a shop in Beverly Hills.

Miami
• Jolie: Coral Gables women's boutique specializes in apparel from South American designers.
• So-Mi: Milly, Cosabella and Lauren Conrad (yeah, her) are among the designer labels found at this new Aventura boutique.

New York
• A Casa Fox: Melissa Fox, a downtown caterer, opens her own Latin restaurant in the Lower East Side; BYOB.
• Bar Milano: Jason and Joe Denton open a highly-anticipated, higher-end neighborhood Italian restaurant between Gramercy and Murray Hill.
• Cho Cho San: New opera-inspired restaurant on 8th St. serves Japanese cuisine with a Western spin.
• jan & aya: Handicrafts from around the globe, as well as local organic confections (gold twinkies!) are sold at this new Greenpoint shop.
• The Habitat: Cozy Greenpoint bar and restaurant offers a menu of small plates and local beers.

Philadelphia
• Shop Sixty Five: A new boutique in Doylestown stocks great labels, including Catherine Malandrino for the ladies and Ben Sherman for the guys.

San Francisco
• Devils Own: Cow Hollow boutique is a destination for avant-garde streetwear from Asia.
• Muracci's: Casual restaurant in FiDi serves classic Japanese curries.

Seattle
• The Saint: New Capitol Hill restaurant serves Mexican fare and flights of tequila from its 80+ bottles.

Washington D.C.
• Maison Living: A retail gallery for luxury home décor opens in Georgetown.
• Newseum: The long-awaited interactive museum for news and journalism had its grand opening last week.

After a brief torch lighting ceremony, the torch went missing. "Not Clear Where Olympic Torch, Runner Are," a CNN television headline proclaimed. "It's a bit of a game of chicken," one newscaster said, responding to the disappearing act. "We don't know what's going on," added another newscaster. Speculation as to whether or not the torch was being transported by car or boat followed; more than 5 minutes later it emerged from a 6-vehicle long transport. It was better than a high-speed chase: the only thing that could have made the event any more exciting would have been if Kato Kaelin had been behind the wheel.

After a few-dozen-strong security team of armed police took their places around the torch, two runners began making their way with it down an alternate, empty route. The police had outsmarted the protesters, but not for long. Text messages sent out the word, and a pro-Tibetan, anti-Chinese crowd soon swarmed around the torch. A few run-ins between cops and protesters took place, but, for the most part, peace was maintained. All the while, CNN kept viewers updated on the torch route with a bevy of Google Maps. Then came the news that the previously scheduled closing ceremony had been canceled and that it would now be held at an undisclosed location. All in all, nothing short of a train wreck.

Chicago
• A Cooler Planet: This eco-lifestyle store stocks all things green: housewares, fashions, and even compost supplies.
• Cinners: A new destination for drinks also specializes in Cincinnati Chili — a dish that words just don't do justice to.
• Veggie Bite: New takeout joint serves classic fast food designed for vegans.

Las Vegas
• Puff Lounge: Off the Strip, this new restaurant and lounge serves party people cocktails, hookahs and a hot tub 24/7.

London
• Bartique: New restaurant and bar from the owner of Eclipse serves Japanese cuisine and serious cocktails.

Los Angeles
• The Oak Room: A casual spin on the classic steakhouse opens in Pacific Palisades. It's by former mayor Richard Riordan.
• Malibu Pier Club: Beachfront bar and restaurant opened last week on the Malibu Pier.
• The Park: New American restaurant in Echo Park is now open; BYOB with no corkage fee.
• Skratch: New takeout food shop in Culver City offers made-to-order light fare for local health nuts.
• Tranquility Base: A "celestial-themed" restaurant and lounge opens on the ground floor of the Financial District's Sky Lofts.
• Vegan Village: New vegetarian restaurant specializes in soul and Mexican food.
• Vince: Luxe sportswear label opens a boutique on Robertson.
• Vinoteque: New wine bar and music venue has 500 bottles, a small plates menu, and live jazz performances.

New York
• Bar Q: Chef Anita Lo of Annisa opens a 120-seat Asian barbecue restaurant in the West Village.
• City Burger: Offering respite from McDonald's, this new burger joint opened last week in the Fashion District.
• Grove: New West Village retail shop specializes in elegant housewares and flower arrangements.
• John Varvatos: What was once CBGB's is now a retail venue for high-priced menswear.
• Monogram: Banana Republic opens a downtown boutique for its new high-end clothing line.
• Slurp: A new, slickly designed Vietnamese restaurant opens on the Lower East Side.
• Think: This West Village coffeehouse opens a new location on the Bowery for its fair-trade organic java.
• True Boutique: New boutique stocks high-end lines for every woman; the owner stocks sizes 00-16 and employs an in-house tailor for perfectly fitted garments.

San Francisco
• Mono: New restaurant serving California cuisine opens in Oakland's Jack London Square.

Seattle
• Stylus: A sophisticated salon opens in Belltown; organic products and a full bar are just a few of the perks for those who book an appointment.

Washington D.C.
• Dekka: A new design co-op supports the work of local artists, designers and musicians.

Zurich
• The Dolder Grand: After 4 years and $400 million, this five-star resort re-opens with 173 guest rooms and a new 43,000 square foot spa.

There's still plenty of time to plan a trip to go protest the torch in any one of these great urban oases. Protesters get to meet other cute politically involved types and rub elbows with the world-class athletes who carry the torch, all while enjoying the fun of screaming and flinging yourself at angry law enforcement personnel. So why not fly around the world following the Olympic torch and going apeshit? It's all for a good cause. It's kind of like the civil rights movement, with sightseeing instead of big dogs and high-powered hoses.

Boston
• Aroa Fine Chocolate: This South End chocolate shop satisfies sweet teeth with bonbons, plated desserts and seven types of hot chocolate.

Las Vegas
• Trump Towers: The Donald's new residential condo and hotel includes 50 penthouse suites, restaurant and spa, but be warned: it's a gaming-free zone.

London
• Dex: For those who can't afford Soho House, this new boutique hotel and member's-only club opens with somewhat more reasonable rates: £100 to join, plus £200 per annum.
• Osteria Stecca: New restaurant in St. John's Wood serves modern Italian cuisine in a 50-seat dining room and 20-seat small plates bar.
• Pho: Vietnamese restaurant, serving pho and other classic street foods, has recently opened its second location.
• Ushvani: Sexy Southeast Asian-themed spa opens in Chelsea; treatments range from £60 for body scrubs to £240 for a 2-hour Balinese massage.

Los Angeles
• Bacaro: A former sommelier at AOC opens a new spot for Italian wines and small plates.
• Bon Chon: This Korean fried chicken chain opens its first branch on the West Coast.
• The London West Hollywood: The former Bel Age is transformed into a luxury modern hotel with 223 suites, a rooftop pool, and (in the future) a Gordon Ramsay restaurant; special opening rate of $249/night.

Miami
• Rumeur: New boutique at Miami Shores stocks local indie talents and one-of-a-kind jewelry.

New York
• Ago: Tuscan-inspired restaurant — which also has locations in Vegas, Palm Beach and L.A. — has opened in Tribeca's Greenwich Hotel.
• Artichoke: A new East Village pizza joint, which opened last week, is already drawing comparisons to Brooklyn's legendary Di Fara.
• Dunderdon: Swedish label for utilitarian fashions opens a flagship store in Soho.
• Greenwich Grill: New Tribeca restaurant serves Mediterranean cuisine with Japanese influences.
• Greenwich Hotel: Robert DeNiro's long-awaited Tribeca hotel — 88 unique rooms, including 13 suites and a 2,500 square foot penthouse — opened yesterday.
• Joe: Popular West Village coffee shop opens a new branch in Chelsea.

Philadelphia
• Thread: Chestnut St. beauty bar offers threading, facials and eco-friendly polishes; for serious unwinding, Wednesdays are "mani and martini" night.

San Diego
• Swiv Tackle Circus: This "gallertique" - that's part-gallery, part-boutique - opened last week; shop for local designers like Pony Attack!! while browsing the current painting exhibit.

San Francisco
• Acrimony: New Hayes Valley boutique stocks designs by Hellz Bells and United Bamboo; grand opening party is on April 11th.
��� Beretta: This Mission restaurant promises to be a new destination for late night dining and serious cocktails.
• Chez Papa: Jocelyn Bulow's Potrero Hill bistro expands with a second location at Mint Plaza; open for dinner, lunch service forthcoming.

Santa Monica
• South: This new restaurant hopes to be a West Coast destination for southern cuisine; expect hush puppies, fried green tomatoes, and mint juleps.

Tokyo
• Satine: This Los Angeles boutique, which stocks lines like Viktor & Rolf, Thakoon, and Steven Alan, recently opened a shop in the city's Aoyama District.

Washington D.C.
• Donovan House: The Thompson Hotel brand just opened its first property in D.C.; a night in one of its 193 guest rooms starts at about $340.

Here are a few places where you can see such stitch witchery in action, and possibly partake. It could be the first step in a long road of wool perdition that will include stealing your mate's bingo money to buy more yarn. I would have included more knitting groups, rather than classes, but all the people who knew about such things were too busy knitting to answer my queries. That's hardcore. (photo: Punk Rawk Purl)

Dallas
• Ra Sushi: Sushi and Asian fusion restaurant chain opens a new location in Plano at The Shops at Legacy.

Las Vegas
• Starlight Tattoo: Celebrity tattoo artist Mario Barth, who has worked on Snoop Dogg and Nikki Sixx, opens a new, late-night tattoo parlor at Mandalay Bay.

Los Angeles
• DC: Streetwear/skater apparel label opens a warehouse-sized flagship on Melrose.
• Tomato Pie Pizza Joint: An East Coast pizza takeover continues with the opening of this Silver Lake shop.

Miami
• China Grill: A new location of this Asian fusion mini-chain opened last week in Fort Lauderdale. Views of the Intracoastal Waterway.
• Gansevoort South: This South Beach hotel includes spacious rooms, a 22,000 square foot beach club and pool deck, a David Barton gym and spa, and STK and Philippe Chow restaurants.

New York
• Acne Jeans: Swedish designer denim company opens two flagships this week; its U.S. location is in SoHo.
• Antik: The former Marion's Marquee Lounge was reinvented as a new cocktail lounge; space is due to open this week.
• Insomnia Cookies: A popular late-night milk-and-cookie delivery service, catering mostly to local students, opens a shop for daytime customers.
• Ippudo Ramen: A ramen chain from Fukuoka Prefecture, Japan, opens its first U.S. shop in the East Village.
• Pomme de Terre: The owners of the Farm on Adderley bring a new dining option to Ditmas Park in the form of a classic bistro.
• Sophie's Cuban: The Midtown lunch crowd is already lining up for this shop's cheap Cuban fare.

Paris
• Acne Jeans: Swedish designer denim company opens two flagships this week, including one in the Palais Royal.
• Gordon Ramsay: Infamous chef Gordon Ramsay opens his first restaurant in France at the Trianon Palace & Spa.

Philadelphia
• O.N.E. at Rittenhouse: A new members-only social club is housed in a triplex with four bars, games rooms, and VIP bottle service.

San Francisco
• San Francisco Wine Center: A new center for oenophiles features climate controlled storage spaces, an in-house sommelier, and rental spaces for private tastings and events.

Seattle
• Vera Fitness: Sorry dudes, this new fitness club with state-of-the-art equipment and $40 training sessions is open to women only.

Vienna
• Stil Laden: Indie sneaker retailer opens a new skate shop, which currently doubles as a photo gallery.

The Today Show's gals about town booked their camera toting entourage through Celeb 4 A Day, a service which offers paparazzi party packages in Los Angeles, San Francisco, and Austin ranging from a $249.99 "A List" evening to a$2,499.99 "Megastar" bonanza that includes a pretend "personal publicist" and bodyguard. All Celeb 4 A Day packages come with a mock gossip magazine cover featuring photos from your paparazzi experience. At this very moment, hundreds of those photos are probably being proudly displayed alongside creepy holiday sweater portrait pics in various split-level ranch "star homes" throughout suburbia. If this emerging trend isn't a sign of the apocalypse, then I don't know what is.

Boston
• 606 Congress: A New American restaurant with a seafood-heavy menu is now open inside the Renaissance Boston Waterfront Hotel.

Chicago
• Berry Chill: This frozen yogurt shop opened last week, beating the arrival of a Pinkberry.
• Drew's Eatery: Catering to eco-conscious diners, this new café is entirely green — from its organic food to its biodegradable serveware.

Dallas
• Mi Chula's : Casual Mexican restaurant now open in Southlake.
• Vintage Martini: Carrollton-based e-tailer opens a brick and mortar for its fantastic vintage clothing.

Hanoi
• InterContinental Hanoi Westlake: New luxury hotel has 359 rooms, including 19 suites, and lots of modern amenities, such as butler service.

Las Vegas
• Restaurant Charlie: Chef Charlie Trotter's seafood restaurant at the Palazzo is now in its third week; the adjoining 18-seat Bar Charlie offers exclusive sushi tasting menus.

London
• Café Boheme: Soho House owner Nick Jones has taken over this nearby French brasserie and, thankfully, has kept it open to the general public.
• Jimmy's: A new British restaurant serving modern twists on bubble & squeak and mutton pie. Now open in Chelsea.

Los Angeles
• BLT Steak: Chef Laurent Tourondel opened an outpost of his New York steakhouse last weekend on Sunset Strip.
• Marty D's: An old-school-style luncheonette, serving hot dogs and cupcakes, is now open in Beverly Hills.
• Recess: This 2,000 square foot "hand and foot spa boutique" is LEED-certified and uses organic, earth-friendly products on its clients.
• Steven Alan: A New York institution for indie design darlings opens on Robertson; expect labels like Daryl K and Loomstate on the racks.

Miami
• Red Kiwi: The fro-yo craze has finally spread south with the arrival of this shop in Coconut Grove.

New York
• Batch: Pastry chef Pichet Ong opens a takeout dessert shop in the space next door to his restaurant P*ong; expect his signature exotic sweets like durian ice cream.
• Duane Park: A new incarnation of the former Duane Park Cafe serves Southern-inspired cooking in an elegant dining room outfitted with chandeliers and curiosities.
• Momofuku Ko: David Chang's newest addition to the Momofuku empire debuted last week; reservations for one of the restaurant's coveted 12 seats can only be made via the website.
• The Palm Court: This restaurant in the lobby of the newly renovated Plaza Hotel is now re-open and operating under the direction of chef Didier Virot.
• Yogo Monster: A new Park Slope shop follows the standard fro-yo formula: icy treats enjoyed in slick surroundings.

Paris
• Jerome Dreyfuss: Saint Germain shoppers can splurge on this designer's luxurious leather handbags at his recently-opened boutique.

San Francisco
• BellJar: This new Mission boutique stocks precious housewares, curiosities, frocks by Jovovich-Hawk, and more.
• candybar: Billed as the city's first dessert bar, this Western Addition/Nopa spot will highlight the creations of a former pastry chef at Coi; wine and savory small plates also available.

Seattle
• Far4: Recently opened downtown boutique stocks artistic tableware, jewelry, and even artisan chocolates.

Washington D.C.
• Asia Nine: This new pan-Asian restaurant features Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese, Korean, and Thai dishes; a VIP room with separate bar is the perfect place to sample any of the 40 sakes on the menu.

Chicago
• Natalino's: A 75-seat, classic Italian-American restaurant is now open in West Town.
• Mercat a la Planxa: New Michigan Ave. restaurant serves tapas -i including ones with Spain's famed jamon Iberico — and Catalan-inspired cocktails.
• Rockstar Dogs: Minor Threat photos, stripper poles, and a flatscreen TV airing music videos are just a few bonuses at this East Village hot dog joint.

Dallas
• Stoneleigh Hotel : After a 14-month-long, $36 million renovation, The Stoneleigh now features luxury Art Deco-inspired décor, a full-service spa, and Bolla restaurant.

Las Vegas
• Bare: The Mirage opens an outdoor lounge with resy-only poolside daybeds and cabanas, cocktails, DJs, and VIP service.
• CUT: Wolfgang Puck's high-end steakhouse had its grand opening this past weekend at The Palazzo.

London
• Cocomaya: A gorgeous new chocolate salon sells handcrafted sweets in exotic flavors.

Los Angeles
• Amoon Rah: Hookah bar and Middle Eastern restaurant in West Hollywood just celebrated its soft opening last week.
• Le Labo: New York-based scent lab opens a new branch; fragrances for men, women and even infants are made to order.

Miami
• Badrutt's Place: New Brickell restaurant, bar and lounge bills itself as a sophisticated destination for champagne, caviar, and cigars.
• Luminaire X: This Design District pop-up shop, which will operate for only two months, brings together a collective of local retailers; limited edition books, jewelry and even flowers are for sale.
• Regent Bal Harbour: The country's only Regent hotel, which includes the country's first Guerlain Spa, had its grand opening last Monday; rates start at $750.

New York
• City View Racquet Club: 80,000 square foot fitness club and spa, with multiple squash and clay tennis courts, is open in Long Island City.
• Rusty Knot: Pigs-in-blankets, fancy tiki drinks, and views of the Hudson are just a few reasons to visit Ken Friedman's (of Spotted Pig fame) new far West Village bar.
• Terroir: A long awaited wine bar by the owners of Hearth opened last weekend in the East Village.
• Urban Outfitters: The chain's first Brooklyn locale, on Atlantic Ave. opens this week.

San Francisco
• Burger Joint: Retro restaurant, specializing in Niman Ranch burgers, is scheduled to open a new location across from AT&T/Giants Stadium this week.
• L'Ardoise: A French bistro by Thierry Cement (Fringale) opens in the Castro.
• Wine Jar: Only 20 seats (plus 16 at the bar), but this new wine bar serves over 100 mostly Californian bottles and a small plates menu.

Chicago
• GuiseChic: Part boutique, part salon, this new Lincoln Park shop caters to both men and women; the only prerequisite is good taste (stock includes Helmut Lang and Earnest Sewn).

Dallas
• Duncan Quinn: Stylish, handmade menswear from New York via London is now available in Victory Park.

London
• Few and Far: New girly-girl retail paradise by Priscilla Carluccio (Terence Conran's sister) stocks limited edition jewelry, clothing, gifts, and even chocolate cake by the slice.

Los Angeles
• The Creperie: Jack n' Jill's opens a new Beverly Hills restaurant today, serving crepes in countless variations.
• Nobu: A new outpost opens today in West Hollywood.

Miami
• 1 Bleu: A fine-dining Mediterranean restaurant, featuring dishes by chef Gerdy Rodriguez, opened this week at the Regent Bal Harbour.

New York
• bluemercury: Luxury beauty chain, which features items like NARS cosmetics, L'artisan perfumes, and Molton Brown candles, opens its first NYC location.
• Burger Shoppe : New shop, serving old-fashioned burgers, shakes, and fries, is now open in the Financial District.
• Elettaria : West Village restaurant headed by chef Akhtar Nawab (craftbar, E.U.) mixes Indian-inspired food with Polynesian/tiki cocktails.
• The Mercury Dime: East Village coffee bar from Sasha Petraske (Milk & Honey) and T.J. Siegal (Alto, L'impero) offers wi-fi and light bites for locals.
• The Plaza : Following its 2-year long, $400 million renovation, the Plaza hotel and residences has finally reopened.

Philadelphia
• Pearl: Rittenhouse restaurant/lounge serves creative cocktails and an Asian-inspired dinner menu; the slick digs were designed by Das Architects, also of Morimoto.

San Francisco
• Le Club: With old-fashioned cocktails and dishes like steak Diane, this restaurant, inside a Nob Hill apartment building, brings classic dining back to life.
• Perch: Unique home décor shop in Glen Park stocks both imports and locally made objects.

Seattle
• Lunchbox Labratory: New "retro-American-turned-contemporary" restaurant in Ballard serves modern takes on old-fashioned TV dinners.
• Truce: Bellevue spa has an extensive, unique treatment menu which includes gentlemen's facials ($65) and tropical detox massages ($130).

Washington D.C.
• Blaguard: The former bar Common Share re-opens with the addition of widescreen TVs, games, and an upstairs bar.

To see what's really going on, we had to speak with some performers. Personally, I imagined these people cohabitating with party clowns and Elvis impersonators, and cohorting with house-call strippers and Chevy Chase's murderous "Candygram" Land Shark. Instead, I realized they were just some artists who met on a raft going down the Mississippi. Still, the duo at Singinging Telegrams, who were responsible for the zombie schtick, are making a go of it as balladeers for hire, taking something notoriously cheesy and injecting it with performance, art, orginality, and falafel delivery.

How did you two meet?
We met this summer on a raft going down the Mississippi River. I was learning the accordion and he played the banjo and guitar and before we started speaking we simply started playing music together.

What is this, Tom Sawyer?
We were an assortment of little big rafts known as the Miss Rockway Armada — a bunch of traveler kids or city kids wanting to escape. We were anywhere between about 15-30 people at a time — with probably at least 80 people who helped build, [and who] came and went during various stretches of the two-year-long project.

What are the instruments in your combined repetoire?
We generally use guitar (Bobalouie) and accordion (Siena) — we once used an electronic drum beat machine thing, and if the right occasion occurs we could potentially break out a theremin. Bobalouie also plays the banjo and is violin-learning as we speak. We also both play the piano which doesn't work so well for telegrams.

Anything off limits?
While we probably would not entertain professions of harassment or death threats as you suggested, we hope that people will ask us to do strange or mundane telegrams, like apologies or news of pregnancy or speaking out at your asshole boss...

Where have you performed?
At a party, in a cafe, in an office, classroom, a bedroom while the recipient was nursing her baby (who we put to sleep), private homes, on the street to someone's bedroom window . . .

Finally, to date, in your nascent career, what has been the strangest gig?
Our most absurd telegram by far was for a small corporation that specializes in the translation of software — whose SF office we raided and gave a (mostly ironic) presentation and pep-talk (song) telegram to the 11 employees working there.

[Photo]

Boston
• Citrio: Newton Highlands catering company opens a café and provisions shop for gourmands.
• Privus: The owner of Irish pub Kells branches out with a Japanese sushi restaurant in Allston.

Bhutan
• Taj Tashi: Now open in Timphu, the Taj features 66 suites with a Bhutanese restaurant, spa, golf course.

Chicago
• Simone's: New Chicago women's boutique stocks only limited qualities of the finest labels: Thakoon, Viktor & Rolf, and Alessandro Dell'Acqua, to name a few.

Las Vegas
• Palms Place: New gaming-free accommodations are a luxurious retreat from the Strip - the 47 stories include suites with full kitchens, jacuzzis, and private balconies; rates start at $209/night.

London
• Bord'eaux: French brasserie with an outdoor terrace and wine bar opens in Mayfair's Grosvenor House Hotel.

Los Angeles
• The Waffle: New resto serves 11 types of waffles, from classic Belgian to fancy cornmeal-jalapeno, plus old school American coffee shop dishes.

Miami
• Abokado: Japanese Pan-Latin fusion restaurant opens in Mary Brickell Village.
• Chima: Gauchos feed carnivores meats on sticks at this new Brazilian churrascaria in Fort Lauderdale.
• Por Fin: Spain, Southern France and Italy meet on the menu of this new Coral Gables restaurant.
• U.D. Style Lab: New Upper East Side boutique stocks unique apparel, music and lifestyle items.

New York
• Five Guys: D.C.-based burger chain opens a new location in the West Village.
• Madewell: J. Crew's new concept store, aimed at a younger audience, sets up shop in Soho.

Philadelphia
• The Random Tea Room: 40 teas and traditional Chinese tea service are mixed with a retail venue for tea cups, accessories, and jewelry.

San Francisco
• Bar 888: In addition to standard cocktails, the InterContinental Hotel's new bar boasts a selection of fine Italian grappas.
• Fifth Floor: This dining institution re-opens with chef Laurent Manrique in charge of the kitchen; expect a new menu with French accents.
• Luce: New Italian restaurant - a partnership between the Mondavi family and Frascobaldi Winery - opens at the InterContinental Hotel.
• Orson: See how molecular gastronomy fares in SoMa when Citizen Cake's Elizabeth Falkner opens her much-anticipated restaurant; reservations will be accepted starting this week.

Switzerland
• Solis Cambrian: The modern, luxury hotel and spa, set by the Swiss Alps, had its official grand reopening last week.

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Most commonly secret cafes take place in voluntary venues such as art spaces, studios, lofts, apartments, or houses, although there are some chefs have fixed locations. When the dinner takes place in a restaurant, the host typically relinquishes the kitchen to the visiting chef and their support staff that helps prepare food and the dining room(s). Guest lists can include as many as 50 people and are a mixture of friends, fans, and diners who found out about the cafe through word of mouth. It varies according to the host, but the patrons of secret cafes seem to be predominantly in their late 20's and 30's. They are loosely "hipsters" in that they are into trying new things, open, and stylish. Depending on the hosting chef, the support staff acts as guest list managers, coat checkers, and servers. After the dinner, it is not uncommon for there to be some typed of artsy or musical entertainment. This is both for experiential and logistical reasons, as in the event of a bust the gathering can be qualified as a show.

For a secret café dinner expect to pay anywhere from $20-$50. Before you balk, consider that the ingredients for the meal are not being bought in bulk restaurant style. This is reflected in menus that typically tour local, seasonal produce and meats. Dinners at secret cafes often entail multiple courses, sometimes up to 11. Check with the organizer for details, but generally the policy is BYOB, or BYOW ("Bring Your Own Wine"), or BYO40.

A Menu
For a better idea, check out this menu from a recent 7 course "cafe" meal in a Mission apartment on South Van Ness. At the time it looked like a confused list of rural Italian towns and excerpts from a Shel Silverstein poem, but the execution was much smoother than the pronunciation:

1. sweet corn-saffron elixir
2. quinoa, incan berries, coriander
3. shelling beans, torpedo onion, corno di toro peppers, pimenton, porcini
4. roasted crooknecks, rapinis, wild rice
early girl-aubergine-filbert puree
5. gobo, maitake, seaveg, lotus root chip
yuzu-miso-ume-shiso dressing
6.heirloom tomato, lemon cucumber, avocado, basil, cresses, queso de cabra
montenebro, argan-kumquat vinagrette
7.kadota fig, july red nectarine, sharlyn melon, young coconut kanten, puffed
rice, aduki, blueberry

Some of The Mavericks
There are many other underground enthusiasts in the Bay Area, some of which we've decided not to drop. Keep your eyes open and ears to the ground and you'll be able to get in.

Ghetto Gourmet: Probably the most well-known guerilla outfit and the group operating closest to the surface, servicing the Bay and beyond.

Eskander: wandering chef of the East Bay. He is known for Radio Africa, and is essentially an online ghost. Check a clip at this Yelp! posting

Wendy Van Wagner: She began hosting potlucks and offering cooking classes out of her Mission apartment. Now living in Nevada City, she will open a kitchen and school in April. She is in the city often, and just hosted a secret café last month.

James: Visit his website to learn of events or book your house as the location of a private dinner party.

The Dissident Chef: It's best to just visit this "Pirate's" site.

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Dallas
• La Condesa: With its stylish comfort food menu and 50 tequilas, this Victory Park restaurant and bar is a step above the average Tex-Mex joint; opened on Saturday.

London
• One Alfred Place: Former Soho House exec opens his own private business club; approved applicants will have to pony up annual dues of £1,500.
• Tom's Place: Don't expect your standard fish 'n chips at this new Chelsea restaurant — chef/owner Tom Aikens uses only sustainable ingredients in the kitchen.
• Water House: With its solar panels, blackboard menus (to save paper), and locally sourced ingredients, this North London restaurant bills itself as the greenest in town.

Los Angeles
• Citrus at Social: DC's Michel Richard joins forces with Jeffrey Chodorow to open a new restaurant at Social Hollywood; expect local, seasonal dishes with the chef's distinct French style.

Miami
• Ted Baker: Aventura Mall opens a flagship store for this funky British clothing label.

New York
• Agas & Tamar: New jewelry studio in Nolita creates raw pieces inspired by ancient relics and nature.
• Bagatelle: New French bistro now open in the Meatpacking District.
• Bar Tano: New Gowanus bar features 10 beers on tap, 30 wines by the glass, and a menu of small Italian bites.
• Gucci: The label's biggest retail store in the world opened on Fifth Avenue on Friday.
• Islero: 60-seat Midtown restaurant serves creative Latin cuisine by Boulud and Troisgrois protégé Jessica Floyd.
• Johnson Club Room: Tobacconist Nat Sherman opens a private lounge for cigar smokers; introductory membership starts at $25 for a day pass.
• Madaleine Mae: Low Country cuisine arrives on the Upper West Side; be sure to pair start your meal with the bar's extensive selection of Caribbean rhums.
• Merkato 55: Marcus Samuelsson's highly anticipated pan-African brasserie opened on Friday in the Meatpacking District.
• South Gate: Jumeirah Essex House opens a new restaurant showcasing modern American cuisine by chef Kerry Heffernan (formerly of Eleven Madison Park).
• Yohji Yamamoto: Japanese label opens a flagship boutique, as well as New York's only store for its Y-3 brand, on Gansevoort.

Paris
• Mad Vicky's Tea Gallery: Art gallery/retail shop (handmade clothes, art, tea) will open on Valentine's Day in the 18th arrondissement.

San Francisco
• Christopher Elbow Chocolate: Artisanal chocolates in unique flavors like Russian Tea and Cabernet caramel are available at the chocolatier's new Hayes Valley boutique.
• Heidi Says Casual: Mini chain of womenswear boutiques opens its newest Fillmore shop, which specializes in high-end basics from Vince, Daftbird, and more.
• Sui Generis: Secondhand consignment shop in the Castro stocks a selection of high-end labels, including Armani suits and Marc Jacobs cashmere.

Seattle
• Triple: New Ballard boutique specializes in hard-to-find sneakers and shoes for men and women.

Washington DC
• Equinox: New York's best full-service gym opens a new branch in Tyson's Corner.

San Francisco's Hotel Diva and the Kensington Park Hotel are 100% smoke-free, as are the Time Hotel and Lucerne Hotel in New York, not to mention Chicago's Raffaello Hotel. Even Clayton, Missouri has the nonsmoking Clayton on the Park, while Washington DC's boutiquers Hotel Madera and Hotel Helix are likewise devoid of smoke. But isn't such a drastic anti-smoking move bordering on social segregation?

Arguing the benefits of anti-smoking laws is increasingly easy in a post-smoking ban climate, but determining where to draw the line is likewise more difficult. In a bar, restaurant, or airport where smokers and nonsmokers are rubbing shoulders, a no-smoking policy is of course necessary. My guess is more hotels will follow suit and benefit from the nonsmoking guests, especially parents, who don't even want to sleep in a room where smoking once took place. But how will smokers react? In the words of inimitable cigarette-smoking comedian Max Silvestri: "I'm not entirely sure how hotels will enforce this. If a college kid can figure out how to stuff a dryer sheet into an empty toilet paper roll and blow smoke out the window, I think the sort of person who can afford a hotel in New York can too ... and how do hotels now expect traveling salesmen to relax after they've had sex with strangers?"

The Score
Not only are the dubs dubbing it wrong, but their title insinuates there is no competition. Apparently, there are no other curvaceous inhabitants in this unique stratosphere of un-straightness (not now, Castro!). Too bad Lombard Street can't even be crowned the most crooked street in the city, let alone in the world, thus indicting even those less fanatical supporters who only claim it is the most crooked street in SF. It's like San Francisco hosted a rugged hand contest and the judges gave the prize to Jacob from the Marina, who cites squash racquets and feather quill pens as his main manual stresses. What about Henry with the shopping cart in the Tenderloin whose hands haven't known warm water and soft towels for years? Sparks fly when he claps for crying out loud. And then the awards shop forgets the scope of the contest and engraves "World's" instead of "City's" onto the trophy.

The Disputed Champion
Every day, rental cars packed with well-dressed Europeans and their fanny-packed Midwestern counterparts creep down the twists of Lombard Street. Other self-satisfied visitors stand at the top, having just disembarked from the Hyde Street cable car. With an undue sense of accomplishment, they snap photos of Alcatraz sitting in the Bay, Coit Tower penetrating the sky, and flowers flowering. Yes, well done! What a feat, old man! Couples in thick knit sweaters and thousand dollar leather clutches drink up the vista thinking, "This is San Francisco."

The Challenger

Meanwhile, in Potrero Hill, a mother is picking up dog poop, and there's not a pair of Italian sunglasses in sight. Here on Vermont Street at 20th, passenger-less trucks and Mazdas slip down the chute, where lucky sightseers (read: neighborhood residents) are offered a stunning bird's-eye view of the General Hospital laundry facility and a clear shot of Bernal Hill, whose barren dome looks brilliant on a sunny day, but miserable in the rain. To cap off the descent, tucked against a retaining wall dressed in graffiti, you can even catch a temporary homeless base camp. But the street is pretty, in part for its seclusion. The homes hugging the left curb as it folds through eight tight switchbacks down the steep grade are nice, not lavish. A small footpath skirts the ridge that overlooks the western base of Potrero Hill, the Mission, Bernal Heights, and out to Twin Peaks.

Verdict
For crooked seekers, both Lombard Street and Vermont Street offer lunch-losing bends, but one is on the manicured, beaten path sporting about as much authenticity as Fisherman's Wharf, while the other is unknown, unspoiled, and the better for it. Not to mention, the hairpins on Vermont are significantly sharper than those on Lombard, justifying the presence of flowers for all of the pansies that go to see it.

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