The San Francisco Bad Service Board Game

Roll the wheel of brie and advance to the 24th Street Cheese Company. The shop itself is cheese nirvana, a place where the lactose intolerant convert their enzymes … spontaneously and the vegans wail and gnash their teeth with frustration. One woman behind the counter is the fucking cheese nazi. She clearly hates her job and wishes she were somewhere, anywhere else, but I believe she may be doing it for the cheese. That's sure as hell why I do it because it is so squirmily uncomfortable to shop there that if she didn't carry the things she carried, I'd never set foot in that place again. Go back a turn if you don't know what you want. No, she will not describe that for you, roll again. Order fast or you'll be skipped. You want a taste of what? You lose. [link]

Yes, it's a national chain, but the branch on 16th street in the Potrero Hill shopping center deserves special mention. I would tell you to roll the dice, but they don't … have any. The wheels for spinning are on backorder too, and they don't know what that other doohickey you were asking for is. The looks of blank, gently panicked incomprehension at the simplest of questions is a sight to see, and the graceful turn with which they shrug and walk away is worthy of ballet. One wonders if any of these guys has ever picked up anything electrical in their entire lives. [link]

Spin the wheel, land behind the velvet rope! The Bubble Lounge seems to think it's in LA and that people actually care. The end guy for the first level is the bouncer, … and with his pointless enforcement for a bullshit door policy and mindless adherence to an amorphous "dress code," he's just as douchey as the people he lets in! Roll again if he actually allows you through the gate. If you're female, go back 17 spaces, one for each time you get hit on by a guy who woos with his stock portfolio. Pay $12 for a flute of midrange sparkling wine, do not pass go, do not collect $200 -- that money goes for the cover and the coat check. [link]

Roll the dice, hop forward six spaces, and looky here you unlucky bastard, you've landed on Harrison Bonini Hardware. These people raise bad service to a high art. The … only reason you ever need to go here is if you know full well the part you need is not available anywhere else in the greater Bay Area in under 48 hours. Go back six spaces when you find out that they know this too. Win karma points when they tighten the grip on your short and curlies for the sheer pleasure of watching your mounting frustration. Yell behind the counter out of sheer desperation, lose another turn when they ignore you some more. Wait a healthy forty-five minutes (true story) in the penalty box for just a few small screw parts that were overpriced and ended up being the wrong kind anyway. Howl at this game's dungeon master for being such a prick and throw the parts you bought at his head. [link]

Play game, just like in old country, except in old country there is no games. No dice, we roll babushka's piroshek, is same. Is from before revolution, we save as … reminder of bourgeois counter-revolutionary principles and proletariat struggle. Is tasty. We sell. But not to you. Go back space if you only speak English. No English. Oh, we do speak English, but not to you. Buy smoked meats and cheese, ignore expiration date, we cover old one with new one, we make it not so old (except for smell). Line is like Mother Russia, only counter people not as nice. Stay in space for next 40 turns or until you can recite Communist Manifesto, whichever comes last. [link]

Spin the wheel to choose your goods, and the game begins when you try getting your order in. If the cranky lady behind the counter doesn't outright ignore you, she will … punish you for breathing by refusing to answer any questions. Go back two spaces when she refuses to fillet your fish. Gain a turn when you make like you're going to leave without paying, and she'll slap some underling upside the head and get him to fillet that tasty tilapia for you. She hates you, but she hates losing your money even more. [link]