Ultimate iPhone Campout Guide: SF Stonestown

Just pretend you're on a terrible third date. If you're flagging after the shops have closed, there's a fitting and full helping of malaise served up in those skull-sized … margaritas -- nothing can be more depressing than mall Mexican, right? Bring reinforcements ... the menu is billed as shareable, not so much because the bar-food is hard to resist, but merely to spread around the pain of the bill. Remember this is only meant to steel you against the long wait 'til morning. [link]

Barring bringing along a pal with EVDO, setting up camp right in front of the Apple Store might just be your best bet. Can't say what will happen at 10 p.m., when … security comes round in their little carts -- the wifi might stay up, which I assume it would from walking past the Apple Store on Stockton, where there's plenty of tourists balancing open laptops at 1 a.m. mapping their hotels. In the mall, though, a different order governs, and as of this writing, even the Apple Store Stonestown claims they have "no idea" what's going to happen overnight on June 28. [link]

Boudin is my secret San Francisco shame, but having these faux-retro cafes scattered all about town does keep a girl set for fast, inexpensive clam chowder. The … setting here is far afield of the needless bustle of the "food court," and though it is mall food, it's mall food that's standardized outside the mall context. You could do worse than the gorgonzola cranberry walnut salads, or, you could walk to West Portal. [link]

Not open tremendously late, and not at all walking distance to the Stonestown mall (honestly, if you're at a mall, you have a car, yes?), but Jitra Thai does deliver … until 9 p.m.: how fantastic and spoiled, to be able to send out for rations for everyone and spare your lot from mall food. Spring rolls, corn cakes, and most any of the other appetizers are safest here, and much easier to divvy up among the hordes, besides. [link]

Nothing says "trapped in the mall" like a laptop bag overfilling with little tubs of pretzel sauces and the smear of salt and frozen lemonade stinging your lips. Auntie … Anne's has dominion in these parts for a reason: They make you feel like a teenager treating yourself, about to make out with that cutie from class in the long corridor near the Macy's men's room. The brave choose the hot dogs encased in pretzel; the old school stick to mustard as the only required additive to the doughy goodness. Think ahead and pick up a dozen or so. If the cute ones ignored you back in the day, by 3 a.m., one of them will surely be hungry -- and possibly, looking for a bathroom. [link]

Really, if the mall security end up ousting everyone, this is the last stop. San Francisco's Ingleside isn't especially known for all-night diners or any of the usual outposts of 24-hour sanity, so make do, grab some trail mix and a Red Bull -- or a value pack of generic porn and some smokes. These will make marvelous … offerings-slash-bribes to your fellow line "friends." [link]

Until the last show, you can make the trek across the Stonestown parking lot
(beyond the empty husks of box stores past) to the cinema. Just two screens
here, playing somewhat artier and topical fare -- which is relative in San
Francisco, of course, and really just means that you get <em>An Inconvenient
Truth</em> as a … perpetual second-run feature. The theater itself is a
sticky, messy ghost town, so it's perfect for hiding out and bladder/bowel
relief. [link]

Until 11 p.m., you can avail yourself (leave the magazines you've mussed up while killing time with your compatriots) of the Borders facilities. There's always at least one sad goth girl running the register at this hour. Chances are she's got Cult of Steve leanings, too. Make nice and maybe she'll let you hang out in the cafe late with … her shuffle set to "Bauhaus and Related Spinoff Bands." [link]

Lodging options out here in the hinterlands of the Avenues are spare, but this one -- even a bit of a trek away -- is a destination in its own right. An honest to … goodness couple run the Ocean Park Motel, which, yes, is a few MUNI stops down the L from your target, but that trundle closer to the beach also nets you hot tub access in a secret garden. The whole place is done up with deco touches, plus in-room kitchens for the option of cheap dining bedside. [link]

Of all the Apple Stores in the San Francisco Bay Area, this one -- and maybe it's simply the mall placement -- holds the title for maximum MySpace-ification. Until … Apple's recent retail store MySpace-blocking policy came into effect, it would be nigh impossible to jockey a 30-inch cinema display to demo anything besides tiling, screaming, animated background GIF's. A slightly different demographic will likely turn up for iPhrenzy, true. We at least carry phones robust enough to deliver our social networking fix. [link]